January 26, 2014

Union Show Tickets This Way

In a devastating blow to the Independence campaign the performer John Barrowman, star of the Christmas panto at the SECC has declared himself a backer of the Union. Blair Jenkins of Yes  said: “Oh no, he’s not.” But Better Together confirmed: “Oh yes, he is…oops, we’re not supposed to use the word Yes. Put it this – he’s voting No – or he would if he had a vote.”

The move is being called the Barrowman Declaration as its takes its place in history alongside the Gettysburg Address and the Declaration of Arbroath. His co-stars in the Dick McWhittingdon panto, the Krankies, said they were not surprised to find the performer was deeply involved in politics. “When we were looking for a punchline for a joke, John would start quoting Noam Chomsky and we’d  going…Whit?” said Janet Tough. “When we were working out the ticket prices he was quoting Hayeck and Keynes and explained the latest market movements. Then he would say: I must be off now to London with my little pussy to seek my fortune….”

Mr Barrowman made his now famous declaration on Burns Night wearing a tartan jacket to make clear his love of Scotland. “I’ve done pantos all over Britain and we shouldn’t put divisions up between Aladdin and Sleeping Beauty and Dick. People love panto just as they love Britain. In my world everybody plays a pantomime role. Mr Salmond is a looming, leering baddie who everybody boos and I’m…like…handsome and good and the mums love me, like Alistair Darling. And Janet is like Johann and everybody gets a good laugh and I get lots of money and go home to England. That’s what the Union is all about…it’s a pantomime. When I’m playing Dick McWhittingdon I often think of the Bard and write in lines he would be proud of like: “Wee sleekit, cowrin timorous beastie, After the show we’ll have a feastie, Wee Janet she’s awfy bonny, I’ll vote NO, now geez the money.”

The Yes campaign said it was like being lovebombed by a bucket of Brylcreem. “We need more of this articulate, intelligent, focussed campaigning,” said a spokesman. “As Mr Barowman made his declaration there was an overnight shift in the opinion polls reducing the difference to seven points. Oh Yes there was!”

January 24, 2014

Take People Out of Politics, says MP

Jim Murphy is calling for sensate people to be excluded from political debates. He said human involvement was a nuisance and caused problems for politicians who had to struggle with leadership instructions to do as they are told while pretending to take account of what voters think.

“This poses a real dilemma for those of us brought up in the Labour tradition of machine politics”, he said. “I have a series of rehearsed answers which fit with Labour policy but when there are people in the audience they often disagree and challenge me and it’s very intimidating. People don’t realise how hard it is to lie consistently, sound plausible and keep a straight face, although, to be fair, I do have a straight face.”

He is offering a radical alternative in which a Labour spokesman is allowed to sit at a long desk with another Labour spokesman on the other side of David Dimbleby and they will answer each question in turn without being interrupted. Meanwhile an audience from a Labour conference applauding will be edited in to respond to the answers given.

“I think this will be a much superior format and allows viewers to fully understand the Labour message. It also means that if SNP voters are stuck at home staring wide-eyed at a screen they may be more receptive as we will catch them when their force field of bigoted hostility is down.”

Mr Murphy, one of Labour’s Big Hitters, complained that he had been attacked by members of the public who had deeply hurt him by calling him names. “Someone called me a Soc***ist and another threatened my family by asking: What happened to nuclear disarmament? It’s difficult to describe how insulting these remarks are. I’ve even been called a Lef****ger. That kind of language belongs in the nazi era and shows the depths to which my opponents have sunk.”

It would be better all round, he said, if people didn’t get so excited about politics. “It’s not as if replacing nuclear missiles is a matter of life and death.”

Read Mr Murphy’s column in the Daily Mail.

 

January 12, 2014

On Air Now: Derek Bateman LIVE

Yes!!!…not by popular demand but by the miracle of the internet, Derek Bateman returns to the airwaves…this time not asking questions he doesn’t know the answer to…but trying to answer some for a change. Hear him speak as live…find out what turned him into Mad Nat…what he really thinks about the BBC…where the SNP made mistakes…why BetterTogether is doing a good job…and hear his choice of single for the Yes campaign…exclusively at http://michaelgreenwell.wordpress.com/2014/01/11/the-scottish-independence-podcast-45-derek-bateman/

 

 

 

(It’s always worrying when someone refers to themselves in the third person – it’s a definition of paranoia)

January 12, 2014

Union: International Solidarity

Leaked reports from the Foreign Office reveal that Downing Street has enlisted the help of Kim Jong Un and Robert Mugabe in opposing independence. The British government is circulating regimes best suited to its own values in an attempt to stop Alex Salmond’s separation project.

They are to be added to the list of world leaders recruited to oppose the Yes movement which already includes Russian President Vladimir Putin. The generals in Burma are also being courted as are genocidal presidents in parts of Africa.

It is understood that the policy is loosely based on the film The Last King of Scotland which portrayed the brutal regime of Idi Amin. The government wants to suggest that an independent Scotland would have a King Alex suppressing dissent and ignoring human rights while he indulged his passions for gastronomic banquets and horse racing.

But it also is a sign that London is trying to improve relations with governments which have previously shunned rapprochement as they pursued anti democratic policies and subjugated the poor to humiliating treatment. The document states: “Since we are now adopting the same policies as these erstwhile pariahs, it is appropriate that we treat them as equals and seek their help in combatting a common foe – the deadly nationalists of the Caledonian Jihad.”

Downing Street is calling the project The War on Terror Part 2 and wants Scots to be stopped at airports worldwide on automatic suspicion they may be secret agents of the SNP. “We must treat them the way we did Muslims,” it says. “They must be viewed as suspects wherever an accent is recognised in a world capital as being Scottish, security agents must follow the individual and monitor all communications with details of emails and phone calls sent to GCHQ. Anybody in a kilt must be viewed with caution as the police did with foreigners wearing rucksacks on the Tube. We  have much to learn from Burma and from Putin in identifying dissidents, putting them under house arrest and jailing them in the gulag at Shotts. Taking the example of Pussy Riot, we suggest jailing the Krankies.”

Better Together welcomed the move and said it was another reason why David Cameron could not debate with Salmond – he was too busy calling up dictators for help. “Remember, Putin mirrors the British in many ways – he is a thug, he threatens the media and he will do anything to prevent provinces from breaking away. It’s why here at the No campaign our codename for Scotland is Chechnya.”

January 8, 2014

Brian Wilson writes…

When is the Scottish population going to waken up to the total lack of logic surrounding the case of the Nationalists? These people believe in one thing – nationalism which is regressive, aggressive, grievance-based and divisive. That is what they will bring to Scotland. I on the other hand believe in Britain with all my heart and my nationalism is progressive, open, welcoming and harmonious. That’s the British way. We don’t want nasty nationalism which puts Scotland first, we want progressive British nationalism which puts Britain first. But Salmond and Sturgeon keep conflating the two when there are entirely opposite. If you believe in Britain you are socialist-minded and caring with a benign view of the world. If you believe in Scotland you are mean and nasty and inward-looking. Yet there are still people out there who don’t understand the difference.

Think about it. Britain conquers other countries. It’s in our blood. We use military power to overwhelm weaker countries, we take them over and offer them education and religion in return for exploiting them and taking their natural resources and enriching ourselves. We promise them citizenship in return and then renege when they wish to redeem and, if we do let them in, we discriminate against them. All the great powers do the same. Then we organise society in such a way that rich people get all the spoils and the poor are kept docile and vote for more of the same. They live in dreary schemes and sing uplifting songs of fraternity and are happy to be poor. The system gives them what they want.

But the Scottish Nationalists want them to aspire to something better when that’s not what they want. Working people are afraid of responsibility and ambition. That’s why they vote Labour. We keep our ambition for ourselves and don’t waste it on the feckless. Scotland is getting wealthier and happier and healthier with less crime and greener with a growing population and the government is helping people to keep more of their income. As George Foulkes says…they’re doing it deliberately. The danger of course is that people begin to vote for the SNP and Labour slowly disappear and those of us who have given a lifetime to political ambition, will have less influence.

And don’t think that can’t happen. How do you think the SNP got elected in the first place? By having better policies and better leaders than Labour and by putting Scotland first, not Britain or the Labour Party. This is the slippery slope to a better society.

And just look at their central policies. Universal benefits…a right wing scheme first devised by Lenin to keep the people under control and still used slavishly in communist twilight countries like Norway and Denmark. They don’t charge for university tuition which encourages people to get educated and find good jobs, as I did from a free education. Thank god the Labour Party have stuck to their principles and opposed free school meals. They only help children, especially from chaotic homes, to be healthier and to learn more and make it less likely they’ll grow up to beLabour voters. And to prove how inward looking they are, they want to let asylum seekers work and contribute to society and live fulfilling lives while they are assessed.

If it wasn’t for the Scotsman publishing this, the population would be unaware of just how mad and dangerous nationalism is…unless it’s British. I don’t want to sound like a disillusioned, hateful has-been threatened by the changing reality, but somebody has to. As John Major said: Wake up, before it’s too late. The only thing that can save the SNP’s credibility now is if they start an illegal foreign war…which is the progressive thing to do.

December 25, 2013

Santa Scots Snub

The British government has warned that independence will take Scotland outside the international norms for special mail delivery and could mean no presents for Scottish children. Without agreement on recognised protocols Santa Claus might be forbidden from touching down on the roofs of homes north of the border, according to the Foreign Office.

“We have been studying international agreements which are currently in force under the name of the United Kingdom”, said a spokesman, “and it’s clear that Scotland would need to reapply which could take years. In the meantime little Scots would be denied their right to presents from Santa, graphically illustrating the devastating impact of separation. Meanwhile little English children will be opening their presents and have a normal family Christmas. It is time Mr Salmond was honest about his plans to break up Britain.”

Santa makes his annual journey with agreement on access to airspace and with special touchdown privileges in every country on earth. Britain is the signatory to the agreement and Scotland is not separately represented. There are also worries that another country might try to veto Scottish membership in order to keep more presents for children in states already in the agreement.

Better Together said it was not automatic that Santa brought presents and the Scottish government hadn’t bothered to find out if the tradition would continue after a Yes vote. “Imagine denying children the biggest day of the year for his own dangerous political ambitions. It tells you all you need to know about the nationalists. They can’t be honest”, said a spokesman, “or no one would vote for them. Headlines saying Santa snubs Scotland will finally kill off the crazy idea that Scotland could be like other countries. Just because Santa still delivers to North Korea doesn’t mean he would come to Scotland. This isn’t just fear-mongering. The Foreign Office has done its homework as it did before the war in Iraq. ” A possible solution would be for Santa to fly over the country and drop presents on to rooftops or to deliver gifts to Berwick and let local children throw them over the barbed wire frontier into Scottish territory.

“We’re not kidding about this,” said Better Together. “It’s important Scots get the message about separation.” A publicity campaign is planned with Alistair Darling dressed as Santa calling out: “No, no, no.”

December 19, 2013

More Indyref Intimidation

Scotland’s top businessmen have banned Santa Claus grottoes in department stores and stopped Father Christmas handing out gifts to staff because they are “intimidated” by his presence.

A CBI spokesman said: “It’s true. Many of our top industrialists and entrepreneurs are very shy people with a nervous disposition and jump if a balloon goes off. They’ve been trying to hide the truth for a long time now but have decided to come out and admit that a large, red figure bellowing ho,ho,ho is really quite frightening for them.”

It’s understood they have been encouraged to speak out by the Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael. He said: “In going around the country I meet businessmen and women who are extremely timid people and have no confidence in saying what they think. They are intimidated by the whole Christmas experience that everybody else takes for granted. I’ve had enough of this unfair treatment of a gallant and much put-upon section of society and have demanded they speak up before it’s too late. Just because they are thrusting, aggressive and ruthlessly ambitious people doesn’t mean they aren’t little petals when someone looks them in the eye.”

Business leaders have formed a self-help group called the Wee Lambs where they meet and discuss their feelings of inadequacy and failure to stand up to criticism. After banning Santa, it’s understood the Easter bunny will be next to disappear. “A huge furry rabbit running at you is enough to unnerve anyone,” said the CBI. “We need respect and understanding at this difficult time of year for when business people traditionally suffer from guilt when they receive their annual bonus. It’s not easy to a accept a giant cheque when so many people have nothing. Adding in aggressive Santas to the equation is too much for them. Imagine what it would be like if they ever had to meet government ministers…they would just go to pieces.”

A hate mail campaign has also started in which customers send large photos of Alex Salmond to company directors which has led to several suffering breakdowns. “Fred Goodwin had it easy compared to this,” said the CBI.

 

December 18, 2013

IDS Christmas Message

What a year it’s been with the roll-out of humanitarian reforms and benefit streamlining, all transforming Britain from the bottom up. And that’s what I’m most proud of – the way that we as a nation have pulled together to make it work.

For example, no sooner did we start rigorously re-assessing those with disabilities for fitness to work than many decided not to claim in a spirit of altruism and as others became impoverished so the great Food Bank movement took off.

It’s moved me to tears to see how ordinary men and women have given their time and resources to help others, proving that we are all in this together. What better example of our great country and it’s inspirational people could you have than helping the less fortunate? This is proof that our policies are working. Even in Scotland where there is often resistance to change, there are more breakfast clubs, clothes banks and food banks starting up showing that the nationalists also agree with us. There has been a charitable food effort not seen since the second world war. Isn’t that wonderful? Doesn’t it remind you of our greatest hour and make you think of all those land girls raking and hoeing for the nation’s larder? Only the Tories get people working together like that for a common cause. And just like the war, rickets is returning. My, that takes me back to my mother’s day when I was told to “eat up or you’ll get rickets”. Doctors have declared there is now a public health emergency because of food poverty, recreating the 40’s and 50’s when everybody was happier. There was no Scottish nationalism then, now was there?

I like the new slogan people are using all over Britain. It is: “Eat or heat”. Catchy, isn’t it? That decision, of whether to keep warm or heat up a tin of beans leads to self- sufficiency and the purging pleasure of sacrifice, something we Britons are never afraid of. I myself have had to sacrifice the need to own my own house and pay the bills by the insistence of my father in law that I live in a £2m Tudor mansion in Buckinghamshire rent-free. I have four spare bedrooms but as I don’t get housing benefit, the bedroom tax doesn’t apply to me. Also there are no benefits which apply to tennis courts, pool and acres of countryside. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but Betsy’s father is the fifth Baron Cottesloe and what’s a poor man to do? Still, it means I have enough money left over for my drop-head Morgan sports car.

I know people are pulling together to help the disabled too. Two thirds of those affected by the bedroom tax are disabled and now get to share their income by paying for rooms for their carers to stay in. They are cutting back on food bills which is another wonderful opportunity for all of us to drop in and make friends and help out. It’s so rewarding. And, since it’s Christmas I want to apologise to all those terminally ill people who didn’t get their personal independent payments because of delays. I know many of you are now dead so technically it’s too late. But I’m going to pay up anyway in the spirit of Christmas and I promise to do better next year.

That’s all I’ve got time for as I’m of to the ATOS Christmas party. They don’t run it themselves – they outsource it. Can you believe it? Anyway the joke is that ATOS have examined Lady Thatcher and declared her fit for work! I love this country. Thank you for all being so supine and allowing me to get away with it.

Merry Christmas. At least I know you won’t eat too much…

December 16, 2013

Modern Slavery Bill Promised

The government is to publish daft legislation on slavery to bring the full weight of the law to bear, according to the Home Office. Theresa May, the Home Secretary, said it was time to get tough. The bill will include a role for a Slavery Commissioner to enforce the legislation.

Ms May said on Radio 4: “In recent times there has been a huge increase in Scots getting uppity and not knowing their place in our society. They are allowed in under sufferance and it is their job to work for us and do as they are told. We will now rigorously enforce the rules.”

She said it was scarcely believable to some people that slavery existed in modern Britain but it was a legacy of a smaller nation with less competent people being allowed to share the advantages of living with a much greater and richer one. “It is a harsh reality that people are forced to exist in appalling conditions, often against their will” she said. “But the world is a cruel place and when the rights of the rich and powerful and their vested interests are threatened it is our duty to do all we can to defend them.”

Alongside the legislation, a report into slavery by the Labour MP Frank Field will be published. He estimates there are as many as 5 million slaves in modern Britain, desperately seeking their freedom so they can live normal lives like people in other countries.

Ms May said: “We honestly don’t know if that figure is accurate because many of the slaves have actually become what we call Trusties and have come to enjoy their lack of status and freedom. What we do know is that a large number are getting restless and may even revolt to overthrow the whole system in which we have all got rich. This is an appalling and horrendous crime. This government created a Respect Agenda when elected but that hasn’t been good enough for them. These poor individuals who have had their rights removed don’t want to be patronised any more. This bill will put an end to their complaints.”

It will be the first such bill in Europe and it’s expected that other nations with slavery problems such as Spain will follow Britain.

December 15, 2013

Watch Out, Shaggy!

Hanna Barbera Productions has announced a new series of Scooby Doo cartoons to be based in Scotland. The Hollywood filmmakers have been attracted by the weird gallery of oddball characters appearing in Scottish public life which they say are perfect for their stories of monsters, ghouls and mad megalomaniacs.

“We were looking at Scotland because of the Loch Ness Monster”, said a spokesman. “But when we saw the English chief guy Al Carmichaeli who looks like the Honey Monster, all puffy and growly, we saw an opportunity. Then came the list of donors to the Better Go Down Together campaign and realised this really is the oddball country of Europe with huge scope for scary humour.”

He said there were individuals who could easily translate into freakish characters who could frighten children. “But not too much. Just enough to say Boo and then make kids laugh because of their sheer absurdity.”

He said the company liked to line up a rogues gallery of personalities with disgusting, immoral or illegal and threatening behaviour patterns. “We used to rely on the Soviet Union during the Communist era but Scotland now has the most unlikely troop of scary eccentrics anywhere in the world. You’ve got millionaire business types who don’t care about people and will do anything to make more money. They all bankroll the evil Tory machine at Greyskull HQ but have corrupted the lowbrow socialist crew into thinking they are their friends. There are killers and corruptors in there and people who pose as benefactors while buying privilege at the expense the people. Shaggy and the gang are really goin’ to have their work cut out to deal with these babies.”

The company particularly loves the shady espionage associations of some donors who  are linked to militaristic organisations with mercenaries for hire. “That’s right up our street. We don’t have to create the characters, just digitally draw them. The real horror is already there, true to life. Scotland really is a goldmine.”

He said the big advantage for Scotland was that they might set up a studio here to capitalise on the weird and menacing characters crawling out of the Unionist undergrowth. “This could go on for years. It’s also great that they’re all in the No campaign. That’s such a great name for a sinister, power-grabbing organisation. Scooby Doo, baby!”