Union: International Solidarity

Leaked reports from the Foreign Office reveal that Downing Street has enlisted the help of Kim Jong Un and Robert Mugabe in opposing independence. The British government is circulating regimes best suited to its own values in an attempt to stop Alex Salmond’s separation project.

They are to be added to the list of world leaders recruited to oppose the Yes movement which already includes Russian President Vladimir Putin. The generals in Burma are also being courted as are genocidal presidents in parts of Africa.

It is understood that the policy is loosely based on the film The Last King of Scotland which portrayed the brutal regime of Idi Amin. The government wants to suggest that an independent Scotland would have a King Alex suppressing dissent and ignoring human rights while he indulged his passions for gastronomic banquets and horse racing.

But it also is a sign that London is trying to improve relations with governments which have previously shunned rapprochement as they pursued anti democratic policies and subjugated the poor to humiliating treatment. The document states: “Since we are now adopting the same policies as these erstwhile pariahs, it is appropriate that we treat them as equals and seek their help in combatting a common foe – the deadly nationalists of the Caledonian Jihad.”

Downing Street is calling the project The War on Terror Part 2 and wants Scots to be stopped at airports worldwide on automatic suspicion they may be secret agents of the SNP. “We must treat them the way we did Muslims,” it says. “They must be viewed as suspects wherever an accent is recognised in a world capital as being Scottish, security agents must follow the individual and monitor all communications with details of emails and phone calls sent to GCHQ. Anybody in a kilt must be viewed with caution as the police did with foreigners wearing rucksacks on the Tube. We  have much to learn from Burma and from Putin in identifying dissidents, putting them under house arrest and jailing them in the gulag at Shotts. Taking the example of Pussy Riot, we suggest jailing the Krankies.”

Better Together welcomed the move and said it was another reason why David Cameron could not debate with Salmond – he was too busy calling up dictators for help. “Remember, Putin mirrors the British in many ways – he is a thug, he threatens the media and he will do anything to prevent provinces from breaking away. It’s why here at the No campaign our codename for Scotland is Chechnya.”

Darling Zombie Denial

Alistair Darling has responded to claims he is comatose. A friend said he had raised his left eyebrow twice in reply to the question: “Are you semi-conscious?” Mr Darling is kept lying down in a darkened room at the Better Together headquarters and is connected to the real world by tubes and cables through which he receives messages and regular electric shocks to keep him alert.

“It’s just ridiculous to say he is comatose,” said an insider. “He simply takes things very easy, very slowly and doesn’t move for weeks on end and then when Alex Salmond says something he jolts into life and splutters and twitches. But he’s perfectly normal as soon as Blair McDougall has shone the torch in his eyes and looked at his tongue. He normally gives him a slap, points him in the right direction and off he goes. This kind of thing happens in the House of Lords every day.”

He said it was ridiculous to say he was a “dreary figurehead” with no fire in his belly. Mr Darling is playing the role of Scrooge in the Better Together panto and has impressed campaigners with his effortless ability to make people laugh. “He says the most laughable rubbish about Scotland’s currency and the fiscal deficit and the EU, honestly, we just roll about. To think the media and the public are taken by this nonsense.” Mr Darling is known as the Undertaker for his mock serious presentation style designed to make him appear important but insiders say he often comes to work with a plastic red nose and a See-You-Jimmy wig and puts whoopee cushions in the boardroom.

Better Together also deny that he lacks passion. “He didn’t lack passion when he voted for an illegal war in Iraq, did he? That took real courage to send other people to die unnecessarily especially when it was against international law. How many thousands of people has Alex Salmond ever killed?” said the spokesman.

If Mr Darling loses the support of Downing Street he could be replaced by this year’s favourite Christmas toy, the Furby, an electronic robotic hamster which squeaks without warning and can move its ears independently, or by David Mundell.