Scotland’s top businessmen have banned Santa Claus grottoes in department stores and stopped Father Christmas handing out gifts to staff because they are “intimidated” by his presence.
A CBI spokesman said: “It’s true. Many of our top industrialists and entrepreneurs are very shy people with a nervous disposition and jump if a balloon goes off. They’ve been trying to hide the truth for a long time now but have decided to come out and admit that a large, red figure bellowing ho,ho,ho is really quite frightening for them.”
It’s understood they have been encouraged to speak out by the Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael. He said: “In going around the country I meet businessmen and women who are extremely timid people and have no confidence in saying what they think. They are intimidated by the whole Christmas experience that everybody else takes for granted. I’ve had enough of this unfair treatment of a gallant and much put-upon section of society and have demanded they speak up before it’s too late. Just because they are thrusting, aggressive and ruthlessly ambitious people doesn’t mean they aren’t little petals when someone looks them in the eye.”
Business leaders have formed a self-help group called the Wee Lambs where they meet and discuss their feelings of inadequacy and failure to stand up to criticism. After banning Santa, it’s understood the Easter bunny will be next to disappear. “A huge furry rabbit running at you is enough to unnerve anyone,” said the CBI. “We need respect and understanding at this difficult time of year for when business people traditionally suffer from guilt when they receive their annual bonus. It’s not easy to a accept a giant cheque when so many people have nothing. Adding in aggressive Santas to the equation is too much for them. Imagine what it would be like if they ever had to meet government ministers…they would just go to pieces.”
A hate mail campaign has also started in which customers send large photos of Alex Salmond to company directors which has led to several suffering breakdowns. “Fred Goodwin had it easy compared to this,” said the CBI.
derek bateman broadcaster2 
I’m left with an image of A. Carmichael in a large Santa suit guffawing at a Davidson Elf at Westminster. Thank you Derek for these images. Dynamic Carmichael my ass!
To a Scots entrepreneur
Twee, canny, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need tae start wi’ battle plan,
Wi best-laid fear an doomsday scam.
Or Carmichael be ridin’ wi’ laldy tae chase thee,
In chauffeur-driven tax free.