I’ve given up and decided to vote No. God knows, I’ve been resisting for a while now what with Armed Forces Day coming to Stirling and the threat of our airports being bombed by English jets, I’ve been given pause for thought. Then there’s Alistair Carmichael…what a thoughtful and subtle politician, embodying everything Scottish and British from his massive expenses, his loyalty to the British state and his very Scottish obesity. He’s really won me over.

But then the clincher…not seeing Doctor Who. It really is a step too far if we are to be denied access to such culture which enriches our northern society, like Strictly. (Surely the Yes lot could offer free personal care for Sir Bruce to keep him on our screens). I can’t understand why the Yes people don’t realise how important television is in our lives. I don’t want a daily diet of Alba and Europa. I need to keep in touch with the world through Ice Road Truckers and Car Repair Nightmare.

Also, how am I supposed to live without money? The Alistairs and Osbrone say they will come to Scotland and clear all the pound notes out of our banks and tell us crossly that we won’t be allowed to have pounds for ourselves because they all belong to them and they keep them in a big bank in London. So what are we going to do?

Much as I like Mr Jandoo in the shop over the road, I now realise that he is only the forerunner of swarms of jihadists from Asia who will target Scotland – I heard Wishaw was a definite – to start a holy war with the Catholics and the Protestants. We wont have any defence because nobody will join the armed forces and we’ll need to phone England and ask for help and they’ll say No, serves you right.

Also they’ll take away my pension and my bus pass and, while I’d quite like independence I think that’s a cost too far. I realise now that I’m safer in the British economy which never has downturns or boom and busts because Gordon sorted that. And I read Alistair’s book and discovered he did everything right and the crash was nothing to do with him at all. And do you know what? I don’t see why we shouldn’t invade other people’s countries. Sometimes they just ask for it, don’t you think? It’s good training for our soldiers, it makes us best friends with America and it means lots of interesting work for reporters embedded with the troops. What’s so wrong about that? I know locals get killed, but come on, they kill each other when we’re not there, don’t they

No, on balance, I think the positive message is getting through to me. I even heard Alistair Darling write off the government’s white paper without even reading it. That’s what I call clever! And having Jim Naughtie on Radio Scotland gives me a warm Anglo Scottish glow. So, sorry to all you losers who haven’t wakened up yet, but I think it’s UK:OK for me. (Nothing vacuous there, eh?) Better Together? You bet. And I think they should annex Argyll and only allow English holidaymakers in so they don’t have to mingle with you stroppy Yes people.

Better Together have said the latest discovery of oil off Shetland is confirmation that the oil is running out. “This is final proof of what we have been saying,” said a spokesman. “We said it was definitely running out and this is absolutely the last few drops left.”

He pointed out that ever since it was first discovered in the sixties the oil had been in decline. “It stands to reason. It can’t be infinite so it must be running out. You can’t possibly use a declining asset as a key part of a modern economy. No other country does that – apart from Norway, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Libya, Venezuela and a few others but nowhere you’d want to live.”

He said: “Alastair Darling was pointing out just the other week that less and less oil is being recovered and here’s the proof. Nearly. This is a bit more it’s true but only enough to justify 20,000 jobs, 50 million barrels and billions in revenue. And the company which owns it is not foreign but is based in Aberdeen so…er…there.”

Mr Darling was quick to say that while it was good news it did present a problem for a small country with limited intellect to deal with. “Let’s be honest – as I say every day in the Better Together office to get a laugh – a lot of oil needs a lot of brainpower to handle it properly. We know from surveys that most of the brains are in London so Scots shouldn’t build their hopes up. In my experience, and remember I was in charge when Britain effectively went bankrupt, oil is black and oozy and gets your shirt dirty if you’re making £10,000 for a speech at a corporate dinner telling bosses how to run their company. Instead of telling academics to shut up Mr Salmond should realise that all this oil – which is definitely running out – is why were all better together. If it only belonged to Scotland it would transform the country, the currency and the lifestyle of people whose real role in life is to support people elsewhere who deserve to be wealthy because of hard work, not an accident of nature under their seas…people like the rich. They can hardly be rich if they don’t have any money, now can they? And where do you think that money comes from? That’s right, from Scots who don’t catch on that they too could be happy and wealthy by not giving their cash to London to waste it. I’m off to buy shares.”

 

 

Advance copy

Speech by Rt Hon Alistair Carmichael

Secretary of State for Scotland

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Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to talk to you today about an unattractive and divisive habit which is appearing increasingly in today’s Scotland. It is the creeping involvement of politics in our national debate. I know how many of you are fed up with politics and I am too. An honest debate about who should govern Scotland and what the purpose of government should be, is no place for naked politicking. Therefore I am avoiding politics altogether in speaking to you today.

Our opponents, ever opportunistic, keep saying that deciding how the country should be governed is somehow connected to the squalid and self-regarding world of politics. I can assure you, ladies and gentlemen, it isn’t. Not as far as I am concerned. What could be further from politics with its manipulation of power and choices than a discussion about the natural order of Britain, our country? We know that our country is ruled by a hereditary monarch who overseas a parliament run by public schoolboys and supported by an unelected chamber with votes for clergymen, like Iran, and in which we all do as we are told to enhance the standard of living of a self-selecting elite. Is there politics in that? Can you detect any debate worth having about our great country which should include the nefarious and venal business of politics? Of course not.

But listen to the Nationalists and the other Socialists behind them. They want to bring our great British system down to their level with their politics. I will have none of it. When I said the Union won the reprieve of Grangemouth, it wasn’t politics. It was the honest truth. When I said to Portsmouth that they would build warships if the Scots voted yes, that wasn’t politics. That was the unvarnished truth. (Can somebody find the quote from Hammond!!).

Now I hear that if you don’t believe your country is worthy of its independence, you’re somehow less of a Scot. That, ladies and gentlemen, is politics. Count the number of true national heroes in history and ask how many of them wanted their country’s independence. Ghandi. Mandela. Garibaldi. Devolutionists all…they said No to independence and fought, like Castro, for their countries to be run by London or by centres elsewhere where they had but token representation, if any at all.  Now that is the mark of greatness – sacrificing your national identity, your history, your own people – on the altar of your own self-interest. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Lib Dem way…to prattle about democracy, self government and federalism and then, when the time comes, to surrender and grovel for the coveted place on the red leather benches. That is the British way.

I like a dram. Yes, I admit it. That means I am, like Wallace and Katie Morag, a true and proud Scot. I will not be told that I am less than the living embodiment of old Scotia. I have a tartan travelling rug in the boot of the Mondeo. That’s the kind of true Scot I am. But when it comes to standing up for the nation of Scotland or the Nation of Great Britain, then I am a proud Scot who believes in Britain. It couldn’t be clearer. Could it? Scotland First…until up against Britain…then Britain First.  Keep the politics out of it. God Save the Queen.

Voters in Glasgow have asked for a break clause to be inserted in the working conditions of their MP Ian Davidson. A protest group claim that since he isn’t voting the way they want him to, his contract with London should be broken and he should be replaced with someone more suitable.

Insiders say this way of dealing with those who don’t act the way the voters want is becoming increasingly popular. “Being an MP is a kind of compact with the voters,” said a constituency official. “If the MP breaks that compact then he should cease to get the work. He isn’t doing what we expect so we think our contract should automatically stop and he loses out. We then get someone who will do what we want. We are in fact holding a gun to our MP’s head.”

The protestors say this method of disciplining MPs could spread to other areas. For example, if people voted for independence they might have to suffer the consequences of deals being stopped. “It could apply to naval shipbuilding orders on the Clyde, so that if the Scots vote yes, the orders could be withdrawn. We understand that Ian agrees with this principle so he can hardly complain if we apply it to him.”

It would mean that there was “separation” between the MP and his constituents. If the break clause is implemented, Mr Davidson will look for alternative employment, possibly on the design team of the new Boomerang missile which returns to the launch pad and blows up in the face of the operator. Mr Davidson was unavailable as he has undergone “separation” from reality.

Academics have formed a Better Together section to campaign for the Union by claiming that science proves the Scots are a lesser species of human incapable of running their own affairs.

Geneticists from Edinburgh University said they have run tests on a random group of Scots and found that uniquely in the history of anthropology, they lack the gene that gives them the powers of self-determination. “We know that mankind is very close to the apes,” said one. “What we didn’t know was the Scots are closer than anybody else. In fact, in tests we found that large numbers of Scots had actually voted for chimps wearing red rosettes.”

It is believed there may be a corruption in the DNA of Scots that stunts the growth of  the left side of the lower brain which filters information between right and wrong. “It means that, presented with a choice between, for example, an antiquated, unrepresentative and corrupt political system and one clearly representing the liberal, open and progressive forces of their own country, some Scots will choose the former. It appears to be a knee-jerk reaction to centuries of social conditioning in which Scots are not allowed to develop at the same rate as others in order to keep them subservient.”

If true, it means that Scots have already lost out on many years of more fruitful and productive life by accepting a behavioural norm imposed on them.

At the launch, Professor Hugh Pennington, Britain’s leading microbiologist, confirmed the country’s worst fears by declaring that nationalism is indeed a virus. “I didn’t know this until I looked in my fridge and the remains of a haggis were undergoing putrefaction,” he said. “When the lab put it under the microscope they could clearly make out the face of Johann Lamont. Lab assistants leapt back in horror and declared a contamination emergency. I urge all Scots to be inoculated immediately.”

Historians have also weighed in by pointing out that if ancient Scots had signed up in time to Better Together, they could have avoided both Bannockburn and Flodden and the consequent loss of life. “If only there had been a brave knight like Alastair Darling around at the time, there would have been no Wars of Independence, no William Wallace and no Robert the Bruce,” they said. “Britain would have been united centuries earlier and any idea of Scotland as a separate nation would never have arisen. We could have avoided all of this tedious debate today. If Scotland votes No we propose that the decision is backdated to 1314 so Bannockburn becomes a civil war, Flodden becomes a taxpayers’ revolt over energy prices and the Enlightenment is an English intellectual phenomenon. Good luck to the British football team.”