Union Show Tickets This Way

In a devastating blow to the Independence campaign the performer John Barrowman, star of the Christmas panto at the SECC has declared himself a backer of the Union. Blair Jenkins of Yes  said: “Oh no, he’s not.” But Better Together confirmed: “Oh yes, he is…oops, we’re not supposed to use the word Yes. Put it this – he’s voting No – or he would if he had a vote.”

The move is being called the Barrowman Declaration as its takes its place in history alongside the Gettysburg Address and the Declaration of Arbroath. His co-stars in the Dick McWhittingdon panto, the Krankies, said they were not surprised to find the performer was deeply involved in politics. “When we were looking for a punchline for a joke, John would start quoting Noam Chomsky and we’d  going…Whit?” said Janet Tough. “When we were working out the ticket prices he was quoting Hayeck and Keynes and explained the latest market movements. Then he would say: I must be off now to London with my little pussy to seek my fortune….”

Mr Barrowman made his now famous declaration on Burns Night wearing a tartan jacket to make clear his love of Scotland. “I’ve done pantos all over Britain and we shouldn’t put divisions up between Aladdin and Sleeping Beauty and Dick. People love panto just as they love Britain. In my world everybody plays a pantomime role. Mr Salmond is a looming, leering baddie who everybody boos and I’m…like…handsome and good and the mums love me, like Alistair Darling. And Janet is like Johann and everybody gets a good laugh and I get lots of money and go home to England. That’s what the Union is all about…it’s a pantomime. When I’m playing Dick McWhittingdon I often think of the Bard and write in lines he would be proud of like: “Wee sleekit, cowrin timorous beastie, After the show we’ll have a feastie, Wee Janet she’s awfy bonny, I’ll vote NO, now geez the money.”

The Yes campaign said it was like being lovebombed by a bucket of Brylcreem. “We need more of this articulate, intelligent, focussed campaigning,” said a spokesman. “As Mr Barowman made his declaration there was an overnight shift in the opinion polls reducing the difference to seven points. Oh Yes there was!”