Darling Zombie Denial

Alistair Darling has responded to claims he is comatose. A friend said he had raised his left eyebrow twice in reply to the question: “Are you semi-conscious?” Mr Darling is kept lying down in a darkened room at the Better Together headquarters and is connected to the real world by tubes and cables through which he receives messages and regular electric shocks to keep him alert.

“It’s just ridiculous to say he is comatose,” said an insider. “He simply takes things very easy, very slowly and doesn’t move for weeks on end and then when Alex Salmond says something he jolts into life and splutters and twitches. But he’s perfectly normal as soon as Blair McDougall has shone the torch in his eyes and looked at his tongue. He normally gives him a slap, points him in the right direction and off he goes. This kind of thing happens in the House of Lords every day.”

He said it was ridiculous to say he was a “dreary figurehead” with no fire in his belly. Mr Darling is playing the role of Scrooge in the Better Together panto and has impressed campaigners with his effortless ability to make people laugh. “He says the most laughable rubbish about Scotland’s currency and the fiscal deficit and the EU, honestly, we just roll about. To think the media and the public are taken by this nonsense.” Mr Darling is known as the Undertaker for his mock serious presentation style designed to make him appear important but insiders say he often comes to work with a plastic red nose and a See-You-Jimmy wig and puts whoopee cushions in the boardroom.

Better Together also deny that he lacks passion. “He didn’t lack passion when he voted for an illegal war in Iraq, did he? That took real courage to send other people to die unnecessarily especially when it was against international law. How many thousands of people has Alex Salmond ever killed?” said the spokesman.

If Mr Darling loses the support of Downing Street he could be replaced by this year’s favourite Christmas toy, the Furby, an electronic robotic hamster which squeaks without warning and can move its ears independently, or by David Mundell.



9 thoughts on “Darling Zombie Denial

  1. It’s Bliar’s Iraq that could yet decide the upcoming referendum. I meet more people who have completely abandoned Labour because of it. We don’t just blame Bliar for it but the support he received from the lobby fodder, sorry former socialists. The Darlings, the Greids and the Browns.

  2. He normally gives him a slap, points him in the right direction and off he goes. This kind of thing happens in the House of Lords every day.”

    and in the division lobby daily, that is those who can be ersed to be in parliament at the time, not having found a friendly politico will to be paired with.

  3. Murray McCallum

    I have heard from no close sources that Mr. Darling has been “fitted”, in the trouser area, with a remote control electric shock device. The device automatically responds to the words “vision”, “positive”, “strategy” and “hope”. It may also be manually controlled remotely – as far away as Westminster.

  4. Why Mundell or a robotic hamster,why not both? The wee soul must feel lonely, Mundell that is, and a wee pal would be a kindness. You will tell him he will need charged.Which one? Why the hamster of course.
    @ Murray McCallum you omitted the overrider response setting – money. This shock device fitted in his trousers, does it vibrate like..eh..eh..my phone?

    • Murray McCallum

      Gavin, to be fair I have it on no good authority that Alistair’s agent (the hardest working person on 0.5% commission in the UK) only ever talks about the money. Alistair does not dirty his hands with such things.

      Better together have cunningly chose words that would never pass Alistair’s lips. Such words are frequently uttered by Scottish Dictator President-in-Chief Alex Salmond – this is simply making Alistair angrier, and angrier, and angrier … (as would anyone getting their nuts roasted). The truth always outs.

  5. Well I never, so that electronic unit fitted into his trousers is a hair curler too. There are things going that really should be kept from the pub(l)ic.

  6. Mundell can also move his ears independently but believes they are Better Together.

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