I’ve given up and decided to vote No. God knows, I’ve been resisting for a while now what with Armed Forces Day coming to Stirling and the threat of our airports being bombed by English jets, I’ve been given pause for thought. Then there’s Alistair Carmichael…what a thoughtful and subtle politician, embodying everything Scottish and British from his massive expenses, his loyalty to the British state and his very Scottish obesity. He’s really won me over.
But then the clincher…not seeing Doctor Who. It really is a step too far if we are to be denied access to such culture which enriches our northern society, like Strictly. (Surely the Yes lot could offer free personal care for Sir Bruce to keep him on our screens). I can’t understand why the Yes people don’t realise how important television is in our lives. I don’t want a daily diet of Alba and Europa. I need to keep in touch with the world through Ice Road Truckers and Car Repair Nightmare.
Also, how am I supposed to live without money? The Alistairs and Osbrone say they will come to Scotland and clear all the pound notes out of our banks and tell us crossly that we won’t be allowed to have pounds for ourselves because they all belong to them and they keep them in a big bank in London. So what are we going to do?
Much as I like Mr Jandoo in the shop over the road, I now realise that he is only the forerunner of swarms of jihadists from Asia who will target Scotland – I heard Wishaw was a definite – to start a holy war with the Catholics and the Protestants. We wont have any defence because nobody will join the armed forces and we’ll need to phone England and ask for help and they’ll say No, serves you right.
Also they’ll take away my pension and my bus pass and, while I’d quite like independence I think that’s a cost too far. I realise now that I’m safer in the British economy which never has downturns or boom and busts because Gordon sorted that. And I read Alistair’s book and discovered he did everything right and the crash was nothing to do with him at all. And do you know what? I don’t see why we shouldn’t invade other people’s countries. Sometimes they just ask for it, don’t you think? It’s good training for our soldiers, it makes us best friends with America and it means lots of interesting work for reporters embedded with the troops. What’s so wrong about that? I know locals get killed, but come on, they kill each other when we’re not there, don’t they
No, on balance, I think the positive message is getting through to me. I even heard Alistair Darling write off the government’s white paper without even reading it. That’s what I call clever! And having Jim Naughtie on Radio Scotland gives me a warm Anglo Scottish glow. So, sorry to all you losers who haven’t wakened up yet, but I think it’s UK:OK for me. (Nothing vacuous there, eh?) Better Together? You bet. And I think they should annex Argyll and only allow English holidaymakers in so they don’t have to mingle with you stroppy Yes people.