I’m Better Together

I’ve given up and decided to vote No. God knows, I’ve been resisting for a while now what with Armed Forces Day coming to Stirling and the threat of our airports being bombed by English jets, I’ve been given pause for thought. Then there’s Alistair Carmichael…what a thoughtful and subtle politician, embodying everything Scottish and British from his massive expenses, his loyalty to the British state and his very Scottish obesity. He’s really won me over.

But then the clincher…not seeing Doctor Who. It really is a step too far if we are to be denied access to such culture which enriches our northern society, like Strictly. (Surely the Yes lot could offer free personal care for Sir Bruce to keep him on our screens). I can’t understand why the Yes people don’t realise how important television is in our lives. I don’t want a daily diet of Alba and Europa. I need to keep in touch with the world through Ice Road Truckers and Car Repair Nightmare.

Also, how am I supposed to live without money? The Alistairs and Osbrone say they will come to Scotland and clear all the pound notes out of our banks and tell us crossly that we won’t be allowed to have pounds for ourselves because they all belong to them and they keep them in a big bank in London. So what are we going to do?

Much as I like Mr Jandoo in the shop over the road, I now realise that he is only the forerunner of swarms of jihadists from Asia who will target Scotland – I heard Wishaw was a definite – to start a holy war with the Catholics and the Protestants. We wont have any defence because nobody will join the armed forces and we’ll need to phone England and ask for help and they’ll say No, serves you right.

Also they’ll take away my pension and my bus pass and, while I’d quite like independence I think that’s a cost too far. I realise now that I’m safer in the British economy which never has downturns or boom and busts because Gordon sorted that. And I read Alistair’s book and discovered he did everything right and the crash was nothing to do with him at all. And do you know what? I don’t see why we shouldn’t invade other people’s countries. Sometimes they just ask for it, don’t you think? It’s good training for our soldiers, it makes us best friends with America and it means lots of interesting work for reporters embedded with the troops. What’s so wrong about that? I know locals get killed, but come on, they kill each other when we’re not there, don’t they

No, on balance, I think the positive message is getting through to me. I even heard Alistair Darling write off the government’s white paper without even reading it. That’s what I call clever! And having Jim Naughtie on Radio Scotland gives me a warm Anglo Scottish glow. So, sorry to all you losers who haven’t wakened up yet, but I think it’s UK:OK for me. (Nothing vacuous there, eh?) Better Together? You bet. And I think they should annex Argyll and only allow English holidaymakers in so they don’t have to mingle with you stroppy Yes people.


27 thoughts on “I’m Better Together

  1. Good timing with this post, Derek.
    I was feeling great after watching the White Paper launch, but you have made me realise that Eck had simply hypnotised me.
    Until you pointed out that bit about invading other countries, I hadn’t realised how good killing brown people is for training. How on earth could Scotland defend itself? I’m voting No unless Scotland invades a wee brown country before the referendum. I wouldn’t feel safe otherwise.

    • You’ve really struck a chord with this one, Derek. Mr Darling’s attitude suggests that my lovely English cousins will be arrested at the border after independence and made to don a “Haw Jimmy” ginger-hairy hat and learn a few Gaelic sweery words. My beloved English grandson and his mum will be safe, however, as they are both gorgeous gin’ers in their own right. And THAT’S about the level of the No-Camp’s debate.

  2. I was going to vote Yes – but then your analysis made me pause………. if I vote yes I’ll start ageing faster and be old before my time – living in Dumfries if I vote no I’ll be able to spend weekends in Carlisle and slow my ageing down even more……………

  3. Re Alistair Darling, I watched his performance after the launch of the White Paper and was impressed by the sheer force of his rage. This is a man who clearly thinks that independence is not just a bad idea but an outrageous idea. He sees it not as a right of the Scottish people but a concept which is traiterous and disloyal.

    Oh, and he’d lose his job, which is the worst thing of all. However we can help him with that in 2015 by voting him out regardless of the referendum result.

    • I’d say he sees it more as something that the Scottish people neither need nor want, which is pretty much what Scots think. Darling seemed quite calm and composed in his response to the white paper. Maybe we watched different interviews.

  4. I read this with a twinge of anticipatory nostalgia. If there is a “Yes” majority we won’t be able to read Derek’s prose any more because we won’t be allowed to use English. And there’s no guarantee that the Irish will let us use Gaelic.We’ll have to resort to Morse – no,of course – we cant even do that because Morse is on the BBC.

  5. Lordy Derek, My sister lives in Wishaw and I’m in Argyll…point your directional finger elsewhere if you don’t mind!

  6. I’m sure Morse was on STV………

  7. cynicalHighlander

    Darling’s speedy response must be on a par with this guy reading 30 pages a minute makes me question if I did wrong in stopping watching propaganda tv last century, confused.

  8. The speedy response of ‘Our Darling’ demonstrates the NLab and BT style of the ace debater; “don’t let your facts get in the way of my prejudices”

  9. Like you, I loved how James Naughtie cleverly said he had heard the opposite of what we all thought Nicola had actually just said! Where would we be if we just had to listen to the words she spoke!

  10. Excellent work Derek. The quality and depth of your arguments exceed everything I have seen from the united against Scotland campaign. A short but powerful journey to “no”.

  11. Do you think Alistair Darling has anger issues? I’m so glad he is head of the NO Campaign cos there is a really danger (hopefully) that he will turn a lot of the Don’t Know voters heading to the YES Campaign.

    • Interestingly, it’s the Yes campaign’s incessant mindless optimism that turned me over to the No side.

      • cmon max thats a weak excuse for a no voter like yourself

        have you figured out how to scare someone into voting yet? let alone scaring someone into voting no

        what happens when you get found out?

      • Max, face it. You understand Lego and google doodles. You don’t understand much about the independence debate. You are either copying your parents or simply going against the tide to be different. It’s clear you have not actually looked into it and balanced all the evidence.

        Go ahead, vote No. It’s a safe option for a scared person.

  12. An explanation on why we in Scotland age faster:
    Consider a bicycle, the crank wheel- the one with the pedals attached has say 60 teeth, the sprocket on the rear wheel has 15 teeth. and so for every turn of the crank wheel the bike chain causes rear wheel sprocket to turn 4 times, Time for a tooth on the rear sprocket is passing four times faster than a tooth on the crank wheel. Sort of one sleep to four sleeps as you might explain to your children as Christmas approaches.So the further north you live from the equator ( the crank wheel) you spin faster and so time elapses faster for you, and since Scotland is further away from the equator than England we age faster. Logically therefore since Dr Who doesn’t age at all, he lives dead centre at the North Pole and although he spins he doesn’t cover any distance and so doesn’t age.Santa must be a very close neighbour to the Doctor as he doesn’t age either.
    Now to explain the bank bailouts. RBS had to be assured of £50 billion, whereas LLoyds needed £550 billion assurance, but RBS’s misdeeds were much more serious than LLoyds because RBS is a Scottish bank that did its misdeeds in London, England whereas Lloyds are an English bank that fell into some misfortune in London, England.
    I hope that helps, try Call Kaye for further help.

  13. Yes, or rather UK!, and let’s get rid of that stupid Gaelic off the road signs. Once and for all. Put in some rhyming slang: UK’s Oil / Argyll; Dahling / Stirling; Blusteray / Orkney; etc, etc. Yawn. Pass me a glass of warm cricket, mine host.

  14. I think you may be right Anne. On Tuesday morning Mr. Darling tweeted:

    “Just been on BBC News, lots of media to do today. Wouldn’t have to do all this if the debate just wasn’t happening. Gets me a little angry.”

    He seems to have been angry ever since.

  15. ‘Apologies to Mr. Darling. I have discovered that that was a spoof tweet. I am not sufficiently sophisticated in these matters!

  16. Mr. Galloway says “just say naw” so I’m saying No, I mean naw, I mean YES.

  17. Derek, you doing some housekeeping with your site? Where has Broadcaster2 gone? Hope you are not like me and get a bit carried away with the “delete” button when tidying up.

  18. All sorts of rumours running round Twitter at the moment!

  19. Good to see you back, Derek. We were having a conspiracy theory ball over on Wings.

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