The oil is running out….

Better Together have said the latest discovery of oil off Shetland is confirmation that the oil is running out. “This is final proof of what we have been saying,” said a spokesman. “We said it was definitely running out and this is absolutely the last few drops left.”

He pointed out that ever since it was first discovered in the sixties the oil had been in decline. “It stands to reason. It can’t be infinite so it must be running out. You can’t possibly use a declining asset as a key part of a modern economy. No other country does that – apart from Norway, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Libya, Venezuela and a few others but nowhere you’d want to live.”

He said: “Alastair Darling was pointing out just the other week that less and less oil is being recovered and here’s the proof. Nearly. This is a bit more it’s true but only enough to justify 20,000 jobs, 50 million barrels and billions in revenue. And the company which owns it is not foreign but is based in Aberdeen so…er…there.”

Mr Darling was quick to say that while it was good news it did present a problem for a small country with limited intellect to deal with. “Let’s be honest – as I say every day in the Better Together office to get a laugh – a lot of oil needs a lot of brainpower to handle it properly. We know from surveys that most of the brains are in London so Scots shouldn’t build their hopes up. In my experience, and remember I was in charge when Britain effectively went bankrupt, oil is black and oozy and gets your shirt dirty if you’re making £10,000 for a speech at a corporate dinner telling bosses how to run their company. Instead of telling academics to shut up Mr Salmond should realise that all this oil – which is definitely running out – is why were all better together. If it only belonged to Scotland it would transform the country, the currency and the lifestyle of people whose real role in life is to support people elsewhere who deserve to be wealthy because of hard work, not an accident of nature under their seas…people like the rich. They can hardly be rich if they don’t have any money, now can they? And where do you think that money comes from? That’s right, from Scots who don’t catch on that they too could be happy and wealthy by not giving their cash to London to waste it. I’m off to buy shares.”




13 thoughts on “The oil is running out….

    Yes it’s true the oil is running out….out of the ground and into some rich geezers pockets.

  2. This is a disaster for Scotland. Just think, all that extra volatility.

  3. How could wan country be so unlucky!

  4. Aye, these valuable liabilities are a real concern. Us Scots just keep finding the damn things. We’re cursed.

    Just the other day i found some coinage in the sofa – couldnae get to the windae quick enough to get rid o the stuff.

  5. I’m distraught. Whit are we gonna dae wi’ a’ that iyl?

    It’ll be better if we leave the management o’ such a volatile burden tae someone wi’ a greater need.

    Ah mean, if we hud tae sort it a’ oot fur oorseles where wud wi be, eh?

    Weans in Scotlan’ micht end up no bein’ poverty stickn.

    Auld folk micht be able tae heat their hames!

    A’ they folk manning the food banks widne ha’ onythin’ ti dae.

    Naw, man, we cannie dae that. I’t’ud be the ruin o’ us.

    They nice folks doon in Lundin ur dain’ a braw jobs o’ lookin’ efter the gelt fur us, d’ye no think?

  6. Derek. what’s wie the moderation?

  7. Oil nasty stuff! Can we no just scrape bye oan oor Water , Fish,Whisky, Beef,Cereals, Wind &Wave & Hydro, coal deposits, science, education centres, electronics, engineering ,tourism an awe that ither stuff instead?

    Wake up folks smell the fear of better together.

  8. Ah, but it’s horrible, viscous stuff from this new field, according to Douglas Fraser.
    Far too sticky for us simple Scots to manage.

  9. Public knowledge of this oil discovery is of great concern.
    How on earth can London be seen to be squandering the money on London infrastructure, HS2, another M25 or spreading democracy in countries the US finds irksome, when the public will demand an end to poverty, investment in an oil fund for future generations and raising life expectancy for males in Shettleston to a level above that of Gaza or Sudan?
    This could even foster demands for Scottish Independence and place at risk the entire existence of the United Kingdom, thereby threatening the raison d’être of the Scottish Labour Party who care as much for the poor of Surbiton as they do for the poor of Maryhill.
    Can I suggest Osborne and Cameron should swiftly nobble a promising young economist (preferably with a Mac or Mc surname)? Get him or her to write a report stating how Scotland, unlike Venezuela or Norway, is too wee and too inexperienced to deal with the complexities of such a volatile source, and that the whole thing is best left to the spivs in London to manage. A Mr Darling and an ex-politician can be relied on to get the Scots onside.
    Stamp it with TOP SECRET and hide it away for, say, thirty years.

  10. An excellent take on the oil issue. What is almost always missing from such debates regarding “The oil is running out” debate is that if it´s running out in Scotland it is also running out across the whole globe. Not just Scotland.

    And Scotland is well placed for renewable energy.

  11. Is there not some bigger country that could take all our troublesome resources away from us?

  12. I think Westminster should give the huge revenues from Scotland’s oil to Norway as they have the brains to invest the cash wisely. (Tongue firmly in cheek)!!

  13. Aye, the oil is running out, and that has been the truth since the day they extracted the first barrel – just like we are all getting older from the day we are born. So, let’s stop peeing the wealth paying off the debt of incompetent London governments and do something with it ourselves.

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