Academics have formed a Better Together section to campaign for the Union by claiming that science proves the Scots are a lesser species of human incapable of running their own affairs.
Geneticists from Edinburgh University said they have run tests on a random group of Scots and found that uniquely in the history of anthropology, they lack the gene that gives them the powers of self-determination. “We know that mankind is very close to the apes,” said one. “What we didn’t know was the Scots are closer than anybody else. In fact, in tests we found that large numbers of Scots had actually voted for chimps wearing red rosettes.”
It is believed there may be a corruption in the DNA of Scots that stunts the growth of the left side of the lower brain which filters information between right and wrong. “It means that, presented with a choice between, for example, an antiquated, unrepresentative and corrupt political system and one clearly representing the liberal, open and progressive forces of their own country, some Scots will choose the former. It appears to be a knee-jerk reaction to centuries of social conditioning in which Scots are not allowed to develop at the same rate as others in order to keep them subservient.”
If true, it means that Scots have already lost out on many years of more fruitful and productive life by accepting a behavioural norm imposed on them.
At the launch, Professor Hugh Pennington, Britain’s leading microbiologist, confirmed the country’s worst fears by declaring that nationalism is indeed a virus. “I didn’t know this until I looked in my fridge and the remains of a haggis were undergoing putrefaction,” he said. “When the lab put it under the microscope they could clearly make out the face of Johann Lamont. Lab assistants leapt back in horror and declared a contamination emergency. I urge all Scots to be inoculated immediately.”
Historians have also weighed in by pointing out that if ancient Scots had signed up in time to Better Together, they could have avoided both Bannockburn and Flodden and the consequent loss of life. “If only there had been a brave knight like Alastair Darling around at the time, there would have been no Wars of Independence, no William Wallace and no Robert the Bruce,” they said. “Britain would have been united centuries earlier and any idea of Scotland as a separate nation would never have arisen. We could have avoided all of this tedious debate today. If Scotland votes No we propose that the decision is backdated to 1314 so Bannockburn becomes a civil war, Flodden becomes a taxpayers’ revolt over energy prices and the Enlightenment is an English intellectual phenomenon. Good luck to the British football team.”