Science Backs Union

Academics have formed a Better Together section to campaign for the Union by claiming that science proves the Scots are a lesser species of human incapable of running their own affairs.

Geneticists from Edinburgh University said they have run tests on a random group of Scots and found that uniquely in the history of anthropology, they lack the gene that gives them the powers of self-determination. “We know that mankind is very close to the apes,” said one. “What we didn’t know was the Scots are closer than anybody else. In fact, in tests we found that large numbers of Scots had actually voted for chimps wearing red rosettes.”

It is believed there may be a corruption in the DNA of Scots that stunts the growth of  the left side of the lower brain which filters information between right and wrong. “It means that, presented with a choice between, for example, an antiquated, unrepresentative and corrupt political system and one clearly representing the liberal, open and progressive forces of their own country, some Scots will choose the former. It appears to be a knee-jerk reaction to centuries of social conditioning in which Scots are not allowed to develop at the same rate as others in order to keep them subservient.”

If true, it means that Scots have already lost out on many years of more fruitful and productive life by accepting a behavioural norm imposed on them.

At the launch, Professor Hugh Pennington, Britain’s leading microbiologist, confirmed the country’s worst fears by declaring that nationalism is indeed a virus. “I didn’t know this until I looked in my fridge and the remains of a haggis were undergoing putrefaction,” he said. “When the lab put it under the microscope they could clearly make out the face of Johann Lamont. Lab assistants leapt back in horror and declared a contamination emergency. I urge all Scots to be inoculated immediately.”

Historians have also weighed in by pointing out that if ancient Scots had signed up in time to Better Together, they could have avoided both Bannockburn and Flodden and the consequent loss of life. “If only there had been a brave knight like Alastair Darling around at the time, there would have been no Wars of Independence, no William Wallace and no Robert the Bruce,” they said. “Britain would have been united centuries earlier and any idea of Scotland as a separate nation would never have arisen. We could have avoided all of this tedious debate today. If Scotland votes No we propose that the decision is backdated to 1314 so Bannockburn becomes a civil war, Flodden becomes a taxpayers’ revolt over energy prices and the Enlightenment is an English intellectual phenomenon. Good luck to the British football team.”

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19 thoughts on “Science Backs Union

  1. Lol!

  2. Funniest yet Derek. Keep em coming….

  3. Dearie, dearie me, putrified haggis is here being scandalised by that comparison. You make people think, Derek; the times that YES seem to have to defend the poor oil deficit against the clearly superior benefits of the EMPIRE, are astounding. The slip of the tongue by BMcD (later the retribution), The Buffoon Lord (they are doing good things to make us look bad), how dare they! and the (Cumberland Duke, Davidson) looking forward to his bayonet practise. NO have lost the arguments, but can field a stupendous array of MSM in their attempts to brainwash Scots to a frightening degree. To hear ‘haggis’ inquire ‘of where was the FM when Grangemouth was critical’ doesn’t beggar belief, but rather reminds you of Goebbles, whose mantra was repeat, repeat, repeat the lie, until it was believed! Unfortunately, for Lamont, Goebbels was an orator of a different import to the current SNLab which (despite we being told was ‘in charge’ of all things MSP, MP, affiliates), still asks for an investigation into Falkirk as if it was a foreign matter. Residual votes for SNLab have to be by those desperate not to admit how far their party has descended. They are quickly becoming an Anti-Scottish party, fully in-line with the Scottish Conservatives. A NO vote, with its feared reprisal consequences on Scotland would finish the SNLabs but, prolong the suffering for this great wee nation. This prolongation would serve to enhance rewards for quislings, More Lords, Baronet, Baronesses and other gifts from a thankfull London. The problem for these anti-scottish is that this time all Scots have a vote, unlike the 1707 scandal. Vive! l’esprit de Fletcher de Saltoun.

  4. Professor Hugh may be a bacteriologist of great renown, but even he won’t find a cure for Eckoli 18914 in time..

  5. Murray McCallum

    Here’s hoping that the proud Scots who are invariably content being forever 2nd in a two-horse race get their wishes in Sep’14. This way everyone is a winner.

  6. Great stuff. I shall peruse my haggis (still in fridge) later just to be sure.
    😉

  7. Roibert a Briuis

    OH DEREK…………………you have done it now……….poor JoLa now forever known as a haggis putrefied or otherwise. PURE DEAD BRILLIANT 🙂

  8. Brilliant love it very funny

  9. I thought you needed a telescope not a microscope to catch a glimpse of Johann Lamont.

  10. I was never very good at Science……..now I understand why!
    Brilliant btw.

  11. Hate to be picky but surely Professor Pennington is the world’s greatest microbiologist? This the UK you are talking about,

  12. Anyone who has been involved in science knows that the scientific community is international and doesn’t take national boundaries into consideration when sharing information.
    I am surprised that Pennington is taking this stance.

  13. It would seem that Ian Davidson’s DNA must have contaminated a petri dish somewhere in BBC HQ.
    How will “Brave Knight” Alastair and Johann explain that they have been over-ruled yet again by Ed?
    Will they fight and fight again or will they just roll over?
    Will BBC Scotland, having strayed this week into investigative journalism on an issue that has been live for months , persist or will they retreat back into their normal state of concentrating upon Football and McFlannels? ,
    The plot thickens.

  14. Nick Robinson, BBC website, on todays shipyard redundancies announcement:

    “It will be interesting to examine the deal the government does with BAE to see whether it includes a “get out” clause allowing work on the frigates to be transferred from Glasgow to Portsmouth if Scotland votes for independence.

    Govan’s local Labour MP Ian Davidson wants just such a clause as part of his campaign to persuade people to vote No in the referendum. ”

    Stunned. Just stunned.

    That a Scottish politician would campaign to get jobs removed from Scotland in the event of Scottish independence is astonishing.

    I hope the Yes campaign pick up on this and scream out about how viciously anti-Scottish the Labour party in Scotland have become.

    Sickening.

    • Dewey Cox wrote
      “Stunned. Just stunned.”
      He is not just campaigning to get the jobs taken south from Scotland but from the very people who elected him he is the MP for the seat the shipyards are in,

      vote no or a’ll mak sure ye dinnae work again

      you couldn’t make it up.

  15. As a scientist, I’ll be backing a YES vote, and I hope that many more scientists will be joining me. Science will thrive in an independent Scotland.Young scientists have every reason to look to independence with optimism; don’t be put off by Prof Pennington’s gloomy views.

  16. And you couldn’t have told us this before we went all that expense Derek?
    you do know we wont get a refund on the referendum?
    now we’ll have tae go out and look for juice bottles to reclaim the deposits on them.

  17. Btw thanks Derek I liked haggis now I’ll never look at it in the same way again.

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