The First Self Interest Card is Yours

In an unprecedented move Better Together has become the first political campaign group to launch its own loyalty card. Members will be able to top up with points every time they salute a Union Jack, hum God Save the Queen or buy tickets for the Proms.

There will also be awards for buying merchandise including tee-shirts with images of William Wallace with the slogan: “He’s Not a Hero – He’s a Virus.”

A spokesman said it was the next logical step for a group used to retail politics. “We offer everything, just like Tesco,” he said. “The only things we don’t peddle are national self-esteem, personal dignity and pride. But you can get these at other outlets.”

Better Together trades on its wide range of policy options and even includes a left-wing party arguing to keep a right-wing party in power in order to impoverish the low-paid and retain weapons of mass destruction. “We believe this is a pretty unique combination of political positions not available in any other self-respecting democracy in the world,” said the spokesman. “So it’s natural we should try to cash in on it.”

Points can also be earned at specially staged events including the Edinburgh to London Marathon which has the unique feature of participants running on their knees. “This is actually easier than it sounds,” he said. “Labour MPs have been doing for decades. We have a group of them led by Alastair Darling who will be in charge of training and conditioning. Not many people know this but Alastair has kneecaps like cricket balls developed from years of energetic crawling.”

The card can be redeemed in a number of ways from the lowest prize range (meet Ruth Davidson, enjoy political insights from David Mundell) through to workshops on how to demean your own country and courses on treating oil as an economic catastrophe – conducted by Professor John McLaren of Glasgow University.

At the upper end of the range there is a personalised game of Monopoly which has all of Alastair Darling’s houses on the board and contestants compete to see who can identify his main residence first. The Collect £200 square is renamed  Collect £200,000 in Outside Earnings and the Go to Jail square has a picture of Jim Devine. Next there is a weekend sharing in policy development ideas with Scottish Labour attended by Johann Lamont and Paul Martin. (Now reduced to coffee and a chocolate shortcake slice in Greggs from 1.00pm to 1.15 pm on Saturdays.)

For platinum members there is an exclusive offer to a drinks reception with a Bosnian war criminal. There are number to choose from and each will describe in detail how he organised mass murder and torture. Those with most points will also become Friends of Vitol with access to African dictators and the Full New York Court Experience in which they plead guilty to grand larceny for paying kickbacks to Iraqi officials for oil bought under the UN oil-for-food relief programme.

“We’re really proud of this because you get to know what it feels like to be helping Saddam Hussein stay in power and crush his own people who opposed him. Then you get the thrill of getting your just desserts and paying fines of $17.5m,” said the spokesman. “We think this will really appeal to No voters who want to crush a similar freedom movement among a minority in Britain, an oil rich country run by a brutal cabal.”

Friends of Vitol will receive a platinum card embossed with Brian Wilson’s signature inside a Harris Tweed wallet.

“If anybody has any other ideas for rewards of Better Together Loyalty Card Holders they can email this blog site,” he said.

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “The First Self Interest Card is Yours

  1. Is this like ‘Compare the Meerkat’?
    Do you get a free Fearkat if you buy a product?

  2. It is really VITOL that this gets circulated. A meal for two with Joanne with dollups of humble pie and cream, washed down with some bitter together orange juice. The cabaret could feature Big Ian demonstrating his prowess with a bayonet.

  3. I do hope the undecided can get a chance to read this. It is so funny and well thought out that nobody could doubt the writers ability to say it as it is

  4. cynicalHighlander

    Can one earn double points by crawling in the marathon?

    A royal reward of nice tasting boot polish for serial boot lickers.

  5. Can one get reward points for showing Alistair Darling how to actually open a packet of Scott’s Porage Oats before posing with it as a “patriotic Scot”? Does one get double points if one manages to teach him how to make it tasty enough to mask the pervasive taste of Tory Jacksie he has been experiencing?

    http://logicsrock.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/how-long-has-gorbals-goebbels-got.html

  6. A new Holyrood blockbuster is to be filmed in Scotland in 2014. In Siege at Pacific Quay, foxy political crusader Johann Lamont is among the first to realise that the release of a deadly virus threatens the good governance of North Britain. Swiftly, a crack team of specialists is assembled at the Dòtaman Command Centre in Glasgow to counter the menace. Can they hold out against the hordes of crazed cybernats already battering at the walls of Pacific Quay? Johann Lamont will be played by Angelina Jolie. Using the latest CGI technology, BBC Scotland Director Kenmore Quarry will be played by an animated avatar of Rock Hudson.

  7. Nice One – hope you don’t like Harris Tweed

    No knighthood for you now Derek not like the beach boy (no oh wait he doesn’t have….)

  8. You forgot to mention the Jackie Baillie games, True or False quiz, and Charades

  9. Hilarious……

    “Points can also be earned at specially staged events including the Edinburgh to London Marathon which has the unique feature of participants running on their knees. “This is actually easier than it sounds,” he said. “Labour MPs have been doing for decades. We have a group of them led by Alastair Darling who will be in charge of training and conditioning. Not many people know this but Alastair has kneecaps like cricket balls developed from years of energetic crawling.”

  10. Derek, is it the same as Tesco quadruple your points? I mean you used to be able to have an away day at Alton Towers if you cashed in your points, do you get an away day at Westminster with a free bar, food allowance for a day and access in the building to all the lobbies to see how it works?
    Can you take a friend with you to enjoy the experience?
    Or is there a day out in a City of your choice ,where you can enjoy the Better Together experience ,surrounded by flute bands ,costume and song, kind of like the Munich beer festival without the happiness?
    Or an exclusive tour of Helensburgh complete with unlimited access to Trident and your photo taken on top of a submarine gliding in to port?
    To get this card ,would you need to make a donation or is it completely free?

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