In an unprecedented move Better Together has become the first political campaign group to launch its own loyalty card. Members will be able to top up with points every time they salute a Union Jack, hum God Save the Queen or buy tickets for the Proms.
There will also be awards for buying merchandise including tee-shirts with images of William Wallace with the slogan: “He’s Not a Hero – He’s a Virus.”
A spokesman said it was the next logical step for a group used to retail politics. “We offer everything, just like Tesco,” he said. “The only things we don’t peddle are national self-esteem, personal dignity and pride. But you can get these at other outlets.”
Better Together trades on its wide range of policy options and even includes a left-wing party arguing to keep a right-wing party in power in order to impoverish the low-paid and retain weapons of mass destruction. “We believe this is a pretty unique combination of political positions not available in any other self-respecting democracy in the world,” said the spokesman. “So it’s natural we should try to cash in on it.”
Points can also be earned at specially staged events including the Edinburgh to London Marathon which has the unique feature of participants running on their knees. “This is actually easier than it sounds,” he said. “Labour MPs have been doing for decades. We have a group of them led by Alastair Darling who will be in charge of training and conditioning. Not many people know this but Alastair has kneecaps like cricket balls developed from years of energetic crawling.”
The card can be redeemed in a number of ways from the lowest prize range (meet Ruth Davidson, enjoy political insights from David Mundell) through to workshops on how to demean your own country and courses on treating oil as an economic catastrophe – conducted by Professor John McLaren of Glasgow University.
At the upper end of the range there is a personalised game of Monopoly which has all of Alastair Darling’s houses on the board and contestants compete to see who can identify his main residence first. The Collect £200 square is renamed Collect £200,000 in Outside Earnings and the Go to Jail square has a picture of Jim Devine. Next there is a weekend sharing in policy development ideas with Scottish Labour attended by Johann Lamont and Paul Martin. (Now reduced to coffee and a chocolate shortcake slice in Greggs from 1.00pm to 1.15 pm on Saturdays.)
For platinum members there is an exclusive offer to a drinks reception with a Bosnian war criminal. There are number to choose from and each will describe in detail how he organised mass murder and torture. Those with most points will also become Friends of Vitol with access to African dictators and the Full New York Court Experience in which they plead guilty to grand larceny for paying kickbacks to Iraqi officials for oil bought under the UN oil-for-food relief programme.
“We’re really proud of this because you get to know what it feels like to be helping Saddam Hussein stay in power and crush his own people who opposed him. Then you get the thrill of getting your just desserts and paying fines of $17.5m,” said the spokesman. “We think this will really appeal to No voters who want to crush a similar freedom movement among a minority in Britain, an oil rich country run by a brutal cabal.”
Friends of Vitol will receive a platinum card embossed with Brian Wilson’s signature inside a Harris Tweed wallet.
“If anybody has any other ideas for rewards of Better Together Loyalty Card Holders they can email this blog site,” he said.