New Reality

Labour and the Liberal Democrats have formed an alliance to produce a new political movement. It is headed by Alistair Carmichael and Johann Lamont who have devised the thinking behind the idea which they are calling New Reality.

The pair have been coordinating their statements since Carmichael took over as Scottish Secretary and say the first signs that it is working appeared yesterday.

In the Press, Carmichael claimed that Grangemouth had been saved by the Union against all prevailing information while at the same time on television Lamont was stating that she never said Scotland was a “something for nothing country”.

An insider said: “There is no doubt that these two moves took Scotland by storm and represent a completely new way of doing politics. Instead of the conventional view that Johann did indeed say it, she now creates a new reality that it never happened in the first place, thereby changing the whole agenda. Alistair then also overturned the same tired old view of two governments working together in order to claim all the credit for the Union despite the evidence to the contrary.”

New Reality is believed to be a spin-off from Better Together and is using its specialist software developed by David Ike Digital which turns clearly true facts into something meaning the exact opposite. It also incorporates an automatic “scream” factor designed to both confuse and then frighten the reader.

The result is that people who are convinced that something is true are so stunned by what the software industry calls AFBL* technology that they immediately believe the opposite and then contradict other people who also thought it was true.

“This could revolutionise public affairs,” said the spokesman. “It means for example that Labour can instantly erase all trace of Iain Gray being Scottish leader. That of course is retroactive whereas when this was first developed by Tony Blair it was pre-emptive allowing him to change the truth in advance of going to war.”

For the Lib Dems, New Reality allows them to state that Nick Clegg never did promise to abolish tuition fees. It is believed to have been applied to Charlie Kennedy’s drinking problem in order to eradicate it from the record but met its first failure. “It was a step too far,” said the party. “However, on the bright side it did report that Jeremy Thorpe was an ordinary bloke who played dominoes at the miners club, read Page Three and shared roll-ups with Norman Scott.”

*A Fucking Big Lie


11 thoughts on “New Reality

  1. ‘New reality’ – it is so accurately catches them in the headlights of the referendum debate. Power to your Mac, Derek.

  2. You forgot to mention the New Reality field trials by Sir Alex Ferguson in his interview with Jon Snow:
    Now THAT was a class act! Rewriting History 101….

    • Roibert a Briuis

      Well he is typical Labour, a closed mind, an intellectual pigmy, totally on message, with his own version of reality,. He totally believes that Tony bLiar and Gordy Broon were worth supporting 100%, purely because they were Labour leaders. Ring any bells? A monkey with a red rosette – scary stuff.

  3. Top form after your break Derek, this is one of the best so far!

  4. I’m enjoying your blogs I’ve sent the link to my various family members

  5. innerbearsdenurchin

    I thought 1984 was a warning.
    Some people are taking it as a blueprint.

  6. Roibert a Briuis

    FFS Derek that needs a health warning i have not laughed so much in ages…………well really since you first bust onto our screen, too many people took your first post *ATGT even my partner swallowed it hook line and sinker, more power to your imagination, memory banks and your truly wicked pointed sense of humour.

    ATGT = As The Gospel Truth

  7. I also hear their approach to social & welfare policy is to be called “Parallel Universality”…

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