Labour and the Liberal Democrats have formed an alliance to produce a new political movement. It is headed by Alistair Carmichael and Johann Lamont who have devised the thinking behind the idea which they are calling New Reality.
The pair have been coordinating their statements since Carmichael took over as Scottish Secretary and say the first signs that it is working appeared yesterday.
In the Press, Carmichael claimed that Grangemouth had been saved by the Union against all prevailing information while at the same time on television Lamont was stating that she never said Scotland was a “something for nothing country”.
An insider said: “There is no doubt that these two moves took Scotland by storm and represent a completely new way of doing politics. Instead of the conventional view that Johann did indeed say it, she now creates a new reality that it never happened in the first place, thereby changing the whole agenda. Alistair then also overturned the same tired old view of two governments working together in order to claim all the credit for the Union despite the evidence to the contrary.”
New Reality is believed to be a spin-off from Better Together and is using its specialist software developed by David Ike Digital which turns clearly true facts into something meaning the exact opposite. It also incorporates an automatic “scream” factor designed to both confuse and then frighten the reader.
The result is that people who are convinced that something is true are so stunned by what the software industry calls AFBL* technology that they immediately believe the opposite and then contradict other people who also thought it was true.
“This could revolutionise public affairs,” said the spokesman. “It means for example that Labour can instantly erase all trace of Iain Gray being Scottish leader. That of course is retroactive whereas when this was first developed by Tony Blair it was pre-emptive allowing him to change the truth in advance of going to war.”
For the Lib Dems, New Reality allows them to state that Nick Clegg never did promise to abolish tuition fees. It is believed to have been applied to Charlie Kennedy’s drinking problem in order to eradicate it from the record but met its first failure. “It was a step too far,” said the party. “However, on the bright side it did report that Jeremy Thorpe was an ordinary bloke who played dominoes at the miners club, read Page Three and shared roll-ups with Norman Scott.”
*A Fucking Big Lie