Go Home, Scots…

Vans with slogans telling foreigners to Go Home are to be deployed in London after Scottish independence. The Border Agency has recently agreed to remove the vans which have caused widespread offence to immigrant communities but it has now been revealed they will be stored and brought out in the event of a Yes vote next September.

London Scots, of whom there are several hundred thousand, will find the vehicles in their streets, displaying a constant reminder that they are only in England under sufferance and should register to become English or return to Scotland.

The Home Office justified the plan saying it struck the right note for English people who were happy to have immigrants in their midst so long as they were there legally.

“The sad fact is, and this is being confirmed throughout the referendum campaign by Unionist politicians including Labour, that Scots will be foreigners in England. As such they should be treated the same as anybody else seeking to make a life in this country rather than their own. That is the consequence of being foreign.”

Scottish-born staff working for UK companies will receive forms asking for details of residency and offering them the chance of surrendering their Scottish national identity to be replaced with an English passport and voting rights.

“Of course, they will have to meet the criteria,” said an official.  “They can’t just say they want to be English. They will have to answer questions about English history – kings and queens, that sort of thing – and display a thorough understanding of how English taxpayers have financed their country of origin. They will have to denounce the aims of the independence movement and Mr Salmond. We don’t want some unassimilated presence in our communities which can be used against this country’s national interest.”

The vans will have on their sides the message: In the UK Illegally? Go Home to Think Again…or Face Arrest.

Protestors said the message might provoke retaliation from English people who resented Scots in their cities. “What else can you expect when the elected government makes plain its revulsion at these foreigners in our midst?” said a spokesman for the English Defence League. “They’re making it clear they don’t want these immigrant types in this country and since they are also making it clear that Scots will be foreigners, the same applies to them. That’s what happens when the government follows racist policies that we support.”

There was confusion about how commuting Scots, like the broadcaster James Naughtie, will be regarded. With homes in both countries, he may be able to claim dual nationality. A spokesman for the Scottish government said it was not automatic that someone in that position would qualify for a Scottish passport. “The point is that people who have made a career out of being both Scottish and British will have to make up their mind,” said a spokesman. “We’re not sure what Jim would choose. But the British are making clear that if you remain Scottish in England and therefore foreign, you will be arrested.”

Mr Naughtie was on the shuttle and could not be contacted.


21 thoughts on “Go Home, Scots…

  1. The sad thing, Derek, I think they would renounce any ‘Scottishness’. The Naughtie has the best of all worlds, where everything is for the best, as Dr Pangloss would describe his exile life.

  2. Murray McCallum

    In this age of efficiency could I suggest the van also has the appearance of a chip van. One side of the van “selling” chips with salt and sauce, the other with vinegar. Illegals could then be marched straight to Euston or Kings Cross simply based on the side of the van they were captured.

  3. ” “They can’t just say they want to be English. They will have to answer questions about English history – kings and queens, that sort of thing”

    Obviously the British State saw this day coming. Luckily enough, the Labour party insisted that every Scottish school child had to know every English king. Cnuts. I knew there had to be a reason for Scottish history being ignored.

  4. The satire is all very well Derek but I want to know how you have arrived at your view that the BBC is not biased against Scottish Independence. Assertions like you have already made are not enough.

  5. “Protestors said the message might provoke retaliation from English people who resented Scots in their cities.”
    This is to be contrasted with the treatment given to the 500,000 English people resident in Scotland. They have been offered the hand of friendship and told they can be anything they want to be, and that while living in Scotland they are considered Scots by the Scottish Government.

  6. I find it strange when so many speak about getting English/british history at school and no Scottish history – I had a good grounding in Scottish history until high school, when we focussed on European history and the world wars, but I have never been taught about the English kings/queens/ civil wars etc. Guess I must have been lucky ( my mother was also my primary teacher) but I wonder what period posters are speaking about in school when they didn’t get Scottish history but did get English history? has this been just since the 70s or prior to that?

    • My school ‘education’ was 1966 to 1977′.
      That was in the day you got belted for using a Scottish word. 🙂

    • For some reason I still don’t understand when at state school in Scotland in the 1950’s I was taught English history and the history of the British empire in great detail but sadly not a thing about Scots history which I only learned about after leaving school.

      I also vividly recall pupils being called ‘guttersnipes’ by our Labour activist headmaster if we lapsed into Scots.

      Perhaps someone can explain the reasons why Scots history was never taught.

    • Fionan, much respect is due to your mother. My primary education took place in Castlehill School, Cupar, Fife, from 1962 to 1967. Just for information, Castlehill School was built on the site of the seat of the Thanes of Fife, and was the site of the first performance of Sir David Lindsay’s Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaitis” in 1552. All of which I learned a long time after. Looking back, the suppression of our local history must have represented a significant effort on the part of our teachers.

      Derek, correct me if I’m wrong, but if anyone is still in possession of a UK passport, it must be expired, since UK introduced the EU-style (maroon) passport in 1998? You know, the one with “European Union” on the top of the front page?

  7. I got belted as a five year old at primary school for getting English and Gaelic grammar mixed up.
    (Native Gaelic speaker).

  8. I got belted for not lining up my writing evenly with the margin on either side of the page – totally unjustified.

  9. @walrus

    I got belted for having my writing lined up evenly with the margin – totally justified.

  10. DB’s essay is just that, an essay albeit with just a tweak of our current reality could actually come into being.
    If you don’t believe me ask any Irishman or woman living in England after the Guildford, Birmingham, Bristol etc.
    The poison is already in the inkwell in the London based newspapers.
    I remember listening to Baroness Deech sounding off to an audience on radio QT about the Wcottish Parliament being “pretendy and wee.” She was backed up by some idiot on the panel with a Scottish surname and a certain historian always on the make on the BBC.
    The real shocker to me was the baying, and a I mean baying, of the audience from the Birmingham area.
    Much of what was said, had Scotland been substituted by France would have sparked a diplomatic incident and had it been Pakistan and Pakistani would have been racial abuse.
    The Scots however, are not a racial group; so that is all wright.
    It made me wonder if deep down there is a strong and repressed element of racialism in England; then I look at the BNP and EDL.

  11. Two posts of mine have been sitting for a whole day now with the words … “Your comment is awaiting moderation.” at the head while other’s later posts have been published. I suppose that is a polite way of telling me you do not intend to publish them?
    I admit one of my posts was critical of you and asked you to clarify your reasons as to why you think the BBC is not institutionally biased against Independence. The other was an innocuous observation vav your blog that in the event of Independence English people in Scotland would be treated better in Scotland than your satirical view of what would happen to Scots in England.
    But in either case you have chosen to censor my comments because they don’t suit your point of view. Is that your idea of good journalism? I don’t expect this post to be published because of its content but if the other two are not published I won’t be back to your site, because I am not prepared to accept someone’s publicly expressed opinion about anything without being able to publicly challenge it.

  12. .Well thank you Derek Bateman. Respect. JC

  13. Roibert a Briuis

    SHESH geography way back in the middle to late 50’s in my school in Brig’ton John Street Senior Secondry was all about OS mapping of Budleigh Salterton it was only very recently that I discovered that this was a real place IN DEVON FFS

    I got belted all the time for being a riotous trouble maker he he nothing changed a lot in 50+ years

    I do remember the Bruce and spider story that is about the only recollection I have being ‘taught’ Scottish history

    Lets hope WE can make History in 2014 YES YES YES

  14. I arrived in Scotland from England at aged eight. I left friends, and familiar sights after being taught of England’s “Glories” to come to a country which taught me all about England’s “Glories”!!!
    If Scotland had history I was never aware of it.

  15. I went to school in the 80’s and nineties and I remember as a keen student of history when the syllabus changed to allow for more Scottish history. Before that I was still taught about the wars of the roses and king cnute ( careful spelling)
    And of course the battle of Hastings
    If I hadn’t studied the Jacobites farce at a later stage I could have missed out on all Scots history

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