Revealed: SNP crannog plan

It’s emerged that secret plans have been devised by the Scottish government for the population to live in Iron Age crannogs when society breaks down after independence. It is feared that extreme poverty will drive people into the countryside and there will be a return to ancient ways.

Government officials have been covertly making a study of the Loch Tay Crannog in Perthshire to see how it could be modified for modern use. Surveyors wearing animal skin costumes to blend in with the guides have been observing how visitors interact with the wood and stone-based environment.

Families are shown how to operate 2500-year-old primitive tools to make their own clothing and learn how to make fire. Staff at the visitor centre said details were supposed to be secret but that a steady stream of SNP dignitaries have been arriving to be shown what to expect when Scotland returns to the Dark Ages. “We had a party of MSPs,” said one. “But they were useless. They kept asking where the bar was. It was decided that they would be put beside the others unlikely to have the wit to adapt and they shouldn’t be used for breeding to continue the species.”

Staff were impressed by Alex Salmond who made his own deer skin cape and wore a leather helmet topped with horns. “He really got into it,” said one. “While the others struggled to get a spark on to the bracken to make fire, he just moved his hands over it and said: “Let there be light…and it worked.”

Crannogs once littered the lochs and coastal areas of Scotland but so far none have been discovered in what is now England. The SNP says that shows there was a more communal approach to society in ancient Scotland and people protected each other reflecting different social values from the short-sighted and acquisitive tribes in England.

However a row has broken out over who should have access to crannog living while gangs of the dispossessed roam the country seeking food and shelter and laying waste to the towns and cities. Some believe that room must be found for Better Together people as well as nationalists. Others say they should stay and take their chances or emigrate. Closely confined living and sharing with domestic animals is likely to lead to friction in which those who warned of the collapse of society will be targeted.

In Glasgow there are questions over denominational crannogs with some pointing out that Columba was Catholic and others claiming that the new crannogs were reformed. Meanwhile the issue of funding surfaced with the SNP insisting that everybody was entitled to a universal service free at the point of delivery while critics say fees should be paid to avoid getting something for nothing.

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Yes Scotland said there was nothing to fear from the crannog project. “People are yearning for a more natural and healthy way of life,” said a spokesman. “This gives them a healthy option of outdoor living, getting in touch with nature and not eating fatty foods and fizzy drinks. It meets our Healthy Scotland targets and solves obesity. Those who remain overweight will soon lose it running around after sweetie papers for something to eat.”

Better Together insisted a special luxurious crannog be set aside for Alastair Darling as he chose not to mix with lowlife MSPs and was used to higher standards at Westminster. “Actually Alastair has asked for two crannogs in case he gets confused about which one is his main residence.”

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9 thoughts on “Revealed: SNP crannog plan

  1. I don’t understand why crannogs the builders moved to Glesga and changed their speciality to tea cakes. Just goes to prove that independence will bring things back to where they truly belong.

    I trust the SNP are on top of health & safety legislation and training regarding widespread use of relatively (for Scots) modern tools.

  2. Crannogs to all that. Clearly the holiday break has helped clear away the PQ blues. I again insist you contact Neal Ascherson or William McIlvanney about the bus party tours. Make sure your visit darkest Beith.

  3. Think how this will contribute to our climate change targets. We’ll make a fortune selling our unused carbon credits to shale-oil-powered England.

  4. I’m a little concerned we don’t have enough one-bedroom crannogs, and we have very little time to resolve that shortage……..runs away quickly to find a free one!

  5. Will George Osborne give us help to buy Crannogs?

  6. I thought I recognized you! No doubt MI5 simply won’t believe the simple coincidence of you being in a strange loch-based location at the same time as one of your followers. You look taller on the radio. Keep up the good work. (As a good piece of BBC-esque balance I drove past Alistair Darling around the corner from his house yesterday. To stop the security services from suspecting I am a double agent, I may have to start asking for autographs.)

  7. I fancy moving to one of the Brochs myself, a little drier.

  8. It is good that the need for one bedroom crannogs has ben identified early on. As this is clearly an SG project George Osborne will have no input on this but I understand that he is looking into privatising Food Banks as they are a growth industry across the land.

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