Competition Time

I’m taking a break for a few days…heading to Perthshire to a rural retreat…and won’t be near the Big Mac, so no posts for a wee while.

Just a word of warning though…you’ll remember I had contact from GCHQ some weeks back and some odd things have happened with my email ever since…probably my imagination…but I came across some lines of text I had already deleted and yet there they were in my inbox, almost as though someone had access to the account. Then when I was writing a post, I left the screen and when I came back some private stuff had appeared from a previous email. Weird. Any theories?

If you’ve nothing better to do – apart from campaigning to save our nation – you might want to try a competition.

When I was a bit anxious about GCHQ taking an interest, I had a daydream about coming to a sticky end in the wilds of Perthshire. I mean, it’s the perfect scenario, isn’t it? An outspoken troublemaker burning bridges with respectable Scotland by embarrassing the BBC…blogging about overthrowing the British state less than a year before the big vote…establishing a radical, left-wing government…removing nuclear weapons AND with  a history which includes being interviewed by Special Branch about the Scottish National Liberation Army…and armed with a secret file of yet to be released detail about the inner workings of government…suddenly, without explanation, missing in the wilds.

Maybe you’d like to fill in the blanks in the story. To help, here are a few clues. I will be in Kenmore. I will go riding, play golf, visit the Crannog Centre, take a boat out on Loch Tay, go up Ben Lawers and, unusually for me, will have a whisky or two. If you can conjure a few sentences of what might happen, how and who might be guilty, I will present a Perthshire prize to the best entry. Good luck. I plan to blog on my return. (God willing…!)

Yours, Derek.

powering down the Mac





………..ECHO +CONTAB+ VICTOR SLAB——-SECRET——INT/SEPT email target alba…..

pse read following delta bravo……

John and Pete. Hi. This is Derek…. I’m sending via secure account. I think the party conference is great cover. I’m posting that Iwill be in the area on a break. Kenmore. We meet as usual on lower slope ontheBen, western side.use pub car park. Thank god the guerrilla stuff is over. I’m still sore from crawling through undergrowth with walkie talkie sweating from that bloody balaclava! I take it this is learning to live off seeds and grubs after Indy Day One? rough etc like in the andy Mcnab books?

Is our cover the same if climbers appear? Quick change into birdwatchers? Imagine if it’s a constituent and recognises either of you…John, you’ll need to be back for the speech. Remember to take off the wig thistime! FFS. You two sure things will e this bad after a Yes? Plan still to spirit FM away into the cave like Bonnie P Charlie? Can oil not be converted into grain so Scots can live off bread until IMF/Red Cross arrive? I’d rather Plan B and take over castles of  the wealthy..maybe eat Tories. OK. Must go and find face camouflage. See you there. Alba Aye. Delta Bravo….


18 thoughts on “Competition Time

  1. Kenmore is, thankfully, not en route to Dornie. Enjoy your break.

  2. Enjoy, look forward to return

  3. If they’re going to rub someone out, it won’t be you, Derek. I think you’re quite a way down the list.

    Maybe Salmond should check his brakes and get into a bullet-proof vest though. Is that why he’s been slimming, I wonder?

    Which is kind of why I don’t really think they murdered Willie McRae. Wrong target, and what good did it do them?

  4. Margaret Brogan

    Kenmore will be beautiful at this time. Have a lovely holiday, watch out for the stage!

  5. Andy Carruthers

    Could have been the stage coach though Margaret, that would be the,” blue rinse stage coach though”.

  6. John R.(Jinglin's)

    Derek reading through that i think you KEN MORE than you are saying.

  7. Don’t forget to wear a pair o’ thon builder’s kneepads. Great for crawling thro’ the undergrowth,and if you bump into the Laird O’ Cockpen.

  8. Tae Kenmore tae ken more, eh.

    Don’t forget the kalashnikov. If you visit the Kenmore Hotel, and are in the Stables Bar (if it’s still there), be sure and sit near the exit, because stable doors can be bolted – it could get a bit hot! If the flames get too close, seek refuge in the lounge (the password’s “Auld Archie”)

    If you venture out, don’t take the north side of the loch – the Northern Assassin Ninjas have their patch there…….FEAR NAN! FEAR NAN!!!!


    [Astoundingly, I worked a summer in the Kenmore Hotel 30 years ago…OUCH]

  9. jeezo, talk about naive. as you have revealed your destination you are now walking into a beartrap. great opportunity for king midge, wee wullie rennie to order a suicide midge attack. you will be sucked dry and it will look like an act of nature and wee wullie rennie will be chortling all the way to the end of his career.(less than a year).

  10. Have a good break Derek and stay away from the other end o’ the loch or it’ll be Killin time.

  11. Eat Tories? That won’t keep us going for very long! There’s over 5,000,000 of us and only a few dozen Tories to go round; it’ll never do.

    Besides, I’m a vegetarian.

  12. cynicalHighlander

    Beware of the freshwater navy seals.

  13. No wonder they’re watching you, Derek. If that message you sent to “John and Pete” isn’t in some arcane spy code I’m a male citizen of the Netherlands. You are just the sort of recently retired dangerous radical I want GCHQ to be keeping an eye on! By the by, we’ll be in Perthshire, too, this weekend. I won’t say where for security reasons, but I will say that the forest there is enchanted, if you know what I mean. Have a good break. I look forward to more BBC revelations soon.

  14. Also DB, keep a sharp eye out for the Bald Bayonetter, who I hear often takes his family from the comfort of their two homes out into the wilds, to go kicking the wildlife. Listen out for him singing “Doe a deer a female deer” in a Govan accent while he gives a deer a doin’…..

    Isn’t Ben Lawers Gaelic for ‘dead politicians’? 🙂

  15. Some news coverage following Derek’s untimely demise in Perthshire:

    ood Morning Scotland 22 October 2013:

    06:05 PRESENTER: Concern is growing as former Radio Scotland Presenter Derek Bateman remains missing after he disappeared during a family weekend near Kenmore in Perthshire. Bateman was last seen after a visit with family to the Crannog Centre, when he set off on a countryside walk along Loch Tay, where he is known to keep a small boat for fishing in the loch.
    Bateman did not return from his walk and family raised concerns with police when he failed to join a family hike on Ben Lawyers on Sunday afternoon.
    Local police are combing the area and police divers have entered Loch Tay. More news on this developing scenario as it comes in.

    07:05 PRESENTER: Police searching the Loch Tay area near Kenmore for missing former Radio Scotland presenter Derek Bateman say that divers have recovered the body of a middle-aged man from Loch Tay. The body is believed to be that of the popular former host of Saturday’s current affairs program Newsweek Scotland. Formal identification is awaited and family have been informed.

    08:05 PRESENTER: Tributes are flooding in for former Radio Scotland presenter Derek Bateman, whose body was recovered from Loch Tay this morning after what appears to have been a boating tragedy during a family weekend in Perthshire. BBC Scotland Controller Ken McQuarrie led the tributes saying ,”Derek was a much loved colleague and we were sorry to see him go from the station. It is hard to take in that he is gone. I was grouse-shooting in Perthshire myself this weekend with some management colleagues from Pacific Quay. I can’t believe we were so close to him when he passed away in such tragic circumstances. Our thoughts and sympathies go to his family at this difficult time.” Police, who also recovered a shotgun and an empty bottle of Talisker malt whisky from the boat, say there were no suspicious circumstances and are not looking for anyone in connection with Mr. Bateman’s death.

    Newsnet Scotland 29 October 2013:

    Mystery of BBC newscaster’s dying call for help

    Newsnet Scotland have received a recording of a mobile phone message, believed to have been sent just before his death by former BBC Radio Scotland presenter and nationalist blogger, Derek Bateman. The message was found recorded on the answering machine of a friend of Mr. Bateman’s who lives near Kenmore but only visited his remote cottage a few days after Mr. Bateman’s body was tragically recovered from Loch Tay. The message, which has not been reported by Mr. Bateman’s former employer BBC Scotland, or carried by any other mainstream Scottish media, raises questions about the site of discovery of Mr. Bateman’s body. Given the controversy generated by Mr. Bateman’s outspoken comments on the inner workings of BBC Scotland, Newsnet Scotland believes questions need answered by police about where and how Mr. Bateman met his end.
    We have prepared a full transcript of the short message, with the proviso that sound quality was poor due to high winds and splashing water. However having reviewed the tape several times we believe he says ” Jim, Derek here … help … I’ve been shot by Kenmore Quarry”. However the quiet housing estate of Kenmore Quarry is nowhere near the final location in Loch Tay where Mr. Bateman’s body was discovered…

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