I was abducted by aliens…

I haven’t posted for a couple of days* because I was sitting here about to write when everything went wobbly as if my eyes were loose in my head, my body felt as if I was on a rocking boat and I was trying to walk the deck against a headwind. Then it all went black.

When I came to I was lying spread-eagled in a kind of shallow bath and my whole body was pulsing with an indescribable pleasure so much so, I was fighting not to be moved. My brain was humming with exciting thoughts and I was grinning inanely.

A figure materialised beside me, a beautiful, undulating presence I recognised as a woman, perfect in every way, and completely naked. As I watched her, red lipsticked mouth seemed to push out from her face and came down close to my ear. In a deep honeyed voice she said: “We brought you to our planet to learn all about Earth. Tell me about your world.” Through my ecstasy I realised: I had been abducted …by aliens.

Buzzing with joy I told her how the land of my home was full of people who loved each other and wanted everyone to live happy fulfilled lives. But when we sent our representatives to the place where the Leaders decided our lot, they forgot where they came from and forgot their people and were seduced and softened by blandishments and misled by the unprincipled so that they only made themselves and some of their friends happy while everyone else lived unhappy lives.

“Why do you not get rid of them, these betrayers?” asked the lips.

“We try,” I said. “But there are many more humans living in other places who don’t agree and they have more influence than we do. So we cannot change our lives.”

“Then you must get rid of those who let you down and remove yourself from those who frustrate you. We think of you humans as intelligent beings. Are we wrong? Why do you choose to live unfulfilled lives? Are you afraid of standing up for yourselves?”

She told me I had been selected because I sat at the centre of a nexus of intelligence and information, so was I the Leader?

“No,” I said. “That’s just the flow of emails to my blog. I really sit alone in a basement in a place called Maryhill and am very distant from the Centre.”

Suddenly a sound filled the room…a woman’s voice with music… “aaalright, aaalright, Shout, Shout….” It was Lulu! The sound merged into a crowd chanting… “Thistle, Thistle.” She was summoning up Maryhill to her planet.

“So, you are not the Leader or even a follower?”

“No, I am actually one of an eccentric fringe who have an irrational pride in the place of their birth so if you want to find out what most people really think, I can direct you to someone called Alastair.”

In an instant my beautiful inquisitor vanished and morphed into a slavering green creature with shark’s teeth, howling horribly.

It all went back again and when I awoke I was here in my director’s chair in front of the Big Mac and my keyboard was pulsing with a strange light. A power took over my hands and this post is the result. (Hopefully back to normal soon.)

*The equivalent of an alien lifetime.


12 thoughts on “I was abducted by aliens…

  1. Derek, enjoy the break, but continue your mission to educate and inform (and entertain) as your old colleagues have forgotten.
    PS your early symtoms of your reverie suggest a substance abuse?

  2. Love it, but you know no one said this would be the easiest path, I wonder what your alien will find here in ten years time?

  3. This was obviously a trial abduction from those wunnerful chaps at the BT campaign (and I don’t mean the phone company) designed to measure your ability to withstand easy blandishments. Unfortunately they screwed up as usual by introducing the Lulu torture into the mix. Always make sure the seal is not broken on your bottle of Buckie!

  4. Hi Derek, loved your blog as a long time time admirer of your interviews on Newsweek, I was disappointed when you received your P45 from that organisation. However delighted you appear to be living in Maryhill, (where I was dragged up, ex N.K!) and Might be a Jags Fan. All power to your elbow, I have just discovered your blog site and hope that was not your last blog. Loved your theory about David Cameron and Alex Salmond. Keep up the good work.

  5. Roibert a Briuis

    GOSH i was sure you HAD BEEN abducted…………..or the other BT had disconnected your Broadband line it being a BRITISH company welcome back…and front 🙂

  6. Alec Oattes, what year?
    Ex Hotspur Street
    Oh, I didn’t know that there were any posh houses in Maryhill fwith a basement for a Doctor of Philosophy ?
    Dunnies aye but basements, no.

  7. “Are you still on that bloody computer? I\m going to bed”. i really thought that was how the abduction would end.

  8. It really unnerves me, all the shape shifting, mind control, the stealing and subverting of memories, the dubious, dark, self serving motives……but setting aside Scottish politicians with an eye to the Lords, those aliens are a dodgy bunch too if you ask me.

  9. Roibert a Briuis

    But I TOLD YOU THE OTHER DAY…Derek It was NOT the Chinese that were wandering around the BBC BUT The Men in Black……..hunting down the aliens…..IF you are in Maryhill i would get down the steamy pronto, as well as a better line in patter its a great place to hide, nearly as good as the midden and a bit less smelly too.

    Question ….did the aliens have a Glesga accent or a Bearsden one or even an Inverness one where the best English is spoken so i am led to believe……think back this could be important

  10. Ok slightly OT
    Strathclyde polis or whatever they call themselves this week have had a string of drugs and proceeds thereof hijackings with the unfortunate miscreants being later found far away in foreign field, Mothereell, Shotts and the Campsies. All the poor souls claim to have. No memory of the missing crucial hours?
    You dealin, big man?
    Now what team could have all the info, tools and organization to canary out such dastardly deeds?

    Naw, it couldnae, could it?

  11. Shite predictive text on IPad. You work out what I was trying to say.

    Hint, the canary wasn’t a wittticism.

  12. Hope they didn’t give you a Anas probe 🙂

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