I haven’t posted for a couple of days* because I was sitting here about to write when everything went wobbly as if my eyes were loose in my head, my body felt as if I was on a rocking boat and I was trying to walk the deck against a headwind. Then it all went black.
When I came to I was lying spread-eagled in a kind of shallow bath and my whole body was pulsing with an indescribable pleasure so much so, I was fighting not to be moved. My brain was humming with exciting thoughts and I was grinning inanely.
A figure materialised beside me, a beautiful, undulating presence I recognised as a woman, perfect in every way, and completely naked. As I watched her, red lipsticked mouth seemed to push out from her face and came down close to my ear. In a deep honeyed voice she said: “We brought you to our planet to learn all about Earth. Tell me about your world.” Through my ecstasy I realised: I had been abducted …by aliens.
Buzzing with joy I told her how the land of my home was full of people who loved each other and wanted everyone to live happy fulfilled lives. But when we sent our representatives to the place where the Leaders decided our lot, they forgot where they came from and forgot their people and were seduced and softened by blandishments and misled by the unprincipled so that they only made themselves and some of their friends happy while everyone else lived unhappy lives.
“Why do you not get rid of them, these betrayers?” asked the lips.
“We try,” I said. “But there are many more humans living in other places who don’t agree and they have more influence than we do. So we cannot change our lives.”
“Then you must get rid of those who let you down and remove yourself from those who frustrate you. We think of you humans as intelligent beings. Are we wrong? Why do you choose to live unfulfilled lives? Are you afraid of standing up for yourselves?”
She told me I had been selected because I sat at the centre of a nexus of intelligence and information, so was I the Leader?
“No,” I said. “That’s just the flow of emails to my blog. I really sit alone in a basement in a place called Maryhill and am very distant from the Centre.”
Suddenly a sound filled the room…a woman’s voice with music… “aaalright, aaalright, Shout, Shout….” It was Lulu! The sound merged into a crowd chanting… “Thistle, Thistle.” She was summoning up Maryhill to her planet.
“So, you are not the Leader or even a follower?”
“No, I am actually one of an eccentric fringe who have an irrational pride in the place of their birth so if you want to find out what most people really think, I can direct you to someone called Alastair.”
In an instant my beautiful inquisitor vanished and morphed into a slavering green creature with shark’s teeth, howling horribly.
It all went back again and when I awoke I was here in my director’s chair in front of the Big Mac and my keyboard was pulsing with a strange light. A power took over my hands and this post is the result. (Hopefully back to normal soon.)
*The equivalent of an alien lifetime.