Scotland could not have withstood the effects of Union without the support of England, according to Better Together. The No campaign group has been examining the history of events around 1707 and has concluded that without England no Union was possible.
“It really is stark,” said a spokesman. “We put our best brains on this and found that, just like the banking bail-out, Scotland could only have achieved Union by pooling resources and coming together with England. This is a lesson from history the Scots need to learn.”
Researchers discovered that beneath the conventional wisdom of a happy uniting of nations there lay a darker secret – that Scotland would have been left on its own in non-Union, or what No campaigners call “isolation” – if England hadn’t helped out by offering to be a partner of last resort. “England brought the clout of being a major world power ready to take Scotland’s hand otherwise Scots would have been forced to unite on their own with themselves, instead of creating the greatest Union in the history of the world. You really would think that Scots would show some gratitude for being rescued in this way. They were allowed entry to London and were pretty much treated as equals by people who only took from them their profits and financial benefits in return. I hope this all makes sense.”
Meanwhile the new Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael has called for an end to derogatory language in the referendum debate. “I am sick to the scrotum of nancy boy nationalists and their whining camp followers lying through their teeth about wanting to be free and float off into the North Sea,” he said. “We need to tell these yellow belly traitors that this is a great country that wont be hijacked by lying, cheating spivs and perverts whose brains have shrunk through years of resentment and hostility. Let’s get this debate up to a more mature level.”
He said he wanted to follow the example of Johann Lamont who, he said, had dignified the debate by calling universal benefits “something-for-nothing” and nationalism “a virus”. “That’s just calling it like it is, not name-calling,” he said. “A virus is something any of us might catch but when Yes campaigners respond by saying they are Yes Positive that crosses a line. It suggests that people might get AIDS or something, which doesn’t happen to Lib Dems who are all respectable. From now on I won’t tolerate any derogatory or threatening language and if I hear any I will prove I am a bruiser by bruising those saying it.”
He said: “My message is: No threatening language or you’ll get a head-butt, a knee in the balls and my boot scraped down your shin, you nasty quisling Nat creeps.”
Other Lib Dems are also to become more aggressive. Tavish Scott will no longer answer to this nickname of Pollyanna given because he’s hopelessly unaware of his own shortcomings and is glad about everything. Instead he will be known as Skullcrusher after a powerful beer brewed in the Northern Isles.
Willie Rennie will also cease to be known as The Midge and renamed Godzilla. He will wear an artificial hairy chest under his shirt at FMQs and Cuban heels. Sir Ming Campbell is renamed Grim Reaper and has opted to stop sipping sherry at St Andrews University receptions in favour of Buckfast poured from a quarter bottle in his jacket pocket. Danny Alexander’s nickname of Swat – for appearing still to be a schoolboy unaccustomed to long trousers – is changed to Dr No.
It’s expected that a new slogan will be devised. Instead of Vote Liberal for a Fairer Britain, backroom staff are working on a version of: We’re Liberals, We’re Democrats but We’re Also Badass Bruisers, Baby…Don’t Fuck With Us, Dude.