Scotch whisky is to be distilled in Kent following British Government declarations that Scottish regiments are exclusively British and Ed Ball’s claim that sterling is English.
The legal description of whisky as a product unique to Scotland is to be changed so although it will be called Scotch it will be Scottish in name only.
“It’s just like the Union itself,” said a spokesman. “It doesn’t exist either. In fact, it’s scotch mist. We own and control everything in the name of Britain which as we’ve made clear means England.”
He pointed out that the whisky industry was 90 per foreign owned by companies from Bermuda to Bangalore and the Scotch Whisky Association had displayed its contempt for the land of its birth by mounting a legal challenge to the Holyrood Parliament’s right to introduce minimum pricing.
“Scotch will, from now on, really be English which our tasters suggests gives it a more refined bouquet on the nose and a longer, more elegant finish. We will grow the whisky berries beside the vines and hops. Moving it to England should mean the Scots drink less.”
Meanwhile, Philip Hammond has ordered that the ancient Scottish regiments will not be permitted to defend Scotland in future as they are actually British. “We mean English,” he said. “If Scotland is attacked, the Scottish regiments will retreat to the border and mass there to prevent the marauders crossing to the south. If necessary they will shoot Scots to keep England safe, a long tradition in the British Army since Culloden.”
As a sign of their new affiliation, soldiers will wear a rose in their kilt pins and drunken, mass Highland reels will be outlawed. “We’re developing a wilder version of Morris dancing with cider so they can let off steam,” said the spokesman.
Ed Balls says the English nationalists were right to say the pound was not Scotland’s currency but England’s. “I won’t let the Scots use it because they didn’t contribute towards it, it isn’t supported by their oil revenues and I didn’t get a reputation as vein-busting mad bugger for nothing. I’m upholding the Union by telling all Scots, not just nationalists, that England controls everything they have, there are no shared assets and the Scots are absolutely nothing without the English. That’s how you protect the Union, by offending everyone in sight and threatening them. That’s how Gordon and I forged the best economic team in the history of civilisation and created the economy you see today.”
He said Labour was examining the electoral laws to see if they applied to Scots. “I think you’ll find that technically it’s only English people who are entitled to vote. We created democracy, remember.” Better Together has started the latest part of its campaign called: We Don’t Deserve the Vote.