Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he has had a vision – that people from one country who fall ill in another can be treated as if they lived there.
“It came as a blinding revelation to me that all across Europe there are reciprocal arrangements between governments so that if I have an accident on holiday in France I can go the doctor and be treated as if I were French. Isn’t that amazing? This is something I want the next Labour government to introduce here.”
Mr Miliband was referring to a Labour woman from Glasgow who fell ill in Liverpool and yet was treated as though she lived in England. “This would not happen if Scotland became independent,” he told delegates. “And remember, the risks are higher for Scots because some of them are suffering from a virus called Scotnatseseima”.
He said even although he was technically a foreigner in France, because it was a member of the EU and had mutually agreed systems for the good of all, he had similar rights to French citizens. “It means I wouldn’t be shown the door and told to get a bus back to England with my leg hanging off,” he said. “And apparently this is how it works for everybody, not just me.”
“But Scots would be nationalists and foreigners who didn’t know what was good for them and if they were allowed through the Israeli-style checkpoint into England to do berry-picking or casual bricklaying shifts they would have to carry their papers at all times. If they became unwell from too much drink or drugs, as is common, they wouldn’t be allowed to use English-only medical facilities paid for by English taxpayers who spent many years fighting the Nazis and the nationalists and paying out their hard-earned cash so ungrateful foreigners could enjoy some of the benefits of our civilisation.”
He said this showed the true meaning of the Union: that Britain was happy to work closely with governments of all countries, including Ireland, but so despised the Scots that they would be made an exception. “Independence will be a chance to demonstrate just how vindictive the great British state can be to those who show disloyalty,” he said. “I will also arrange for all Labour Party members to be offered asylum in England should they wish it although not too far south where their interesting social behaviour might give offence in places like Surbiton.”
He received a special cheer from Scottish delegates when he added: “However, this does mean I will never be able to go back to Scotland.”
A government spokesman warned that this reciprocal arrangement was due to end if the Coalition won a second term. “We will soon be charging people for arriving without appointments at hospital and while access is free to the critically ill, there will be a charge for treatment, especially for Scots who will require to be cared for by staff trained in their own language.”