Yes campaign infiltrated

An investigation by the College of Journalism has confirmed the concerns of Nationalist leaders that the Yes Campaign has been hijacked by the Moonies.

“This explains everything,” said an SNP spokesman. “We couldn’t work out how it was going so weirdly wrong. They seem to be speaking only to themselves and saying stuff normal people can’t understand.”

The College, which trains novice journalists, sent an undercover reporter into the Yes offices in Hope Street, Glasgow posing as a young nationalist.

In his report, he writes: “One day it was tipping down with rain, the sky was darkest grey and the traffic was snarled up. I arrived late for work and while I stood there dripping water, I announced loudly that it was a rotten day and typical Scottish weather. Everyone turned to look at me at the same time and, with one voice, chanted: ‘It is a wonderful sunny day marking the birth of a new tomorrow. A brighter future awaits. Do not scaremonger.’”

He reports that in conversation, the Yes team seemed to look right through him and whenever they answered a question they smiled earnestly. “They kept talking about the Dear Leader but it wasn’t clear if that was Sun Myung Moon or Mr Salmond. If you say it quickly they sound almost the same. They told me about the Divine Resurrection which was their code word for the return of sovereignty.”

But he said the most striking aspect of the campaign was its unnatural cheerfulness. “No matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, they just smiled at each other, put their fingers in their ears and hummed the Moonie anthem. It was if they couldn’t face up to reality.”

An expert on de-programming sect members said: “The inability to focus on the real world is the result of brainwashing which replaces a normal view of life with a fantasy belief – like independence. Outwardly the victims appear mostly normal.”

Blair Jenkins, the chief executive, denied infiltration by Moonies. “It is the called the Unification Church and that’s too close to Union for us”, he said. “Everything is fine here. The polls have us up at 12 per cent in favour of independence, ahead of where we expected to be at this stage and thousands of new people are joining our community groups around the country. I’m receiving reports that new members are arriving from as far afield as South Korea and we are organising a mass wedding for them at next week’s independence rally on Calton Hill.”

Mr Jenkins suddenly snapped to attention and left saying: “It is time for my daily address to the True Family.”

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8 thoughts on “Yes campaign infiltrated

  1. Nice to see ya, to see ya, nice.
    Less Bruce Forsyth, and more Frankie Boyle needed.

  2. Whilst I am unsure that I could ever agree with your stance, I absolutely love your writing style. Any chance we might see a Christmas book with suitable illustrations please?

  3. As per my request to be gentle with us in YES when you got round to it ……well you have been.
    I hope that they will raise their game a wee bit. Thanks for the kick up the ..!

  4. Wait a minute – nobody mentioned anything about getting married! Not sure I want to go on Saturday after all…….wait though….lots of weddings mean lots of cake – back to going again. Oh…..and have a nice day, Derek. 🙂

  5. “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing” to borrow and old saying from our cheerful Moonie friends in Sweden.

  6. Spooky – as of 20:28 17/09/13, the YesScotland website is down and displaying a 404 error message!!
    Woooooooooooooooooo

  7. Derek, surely you mean the Nooneies. (shocking typo?)

  8. Hi Derek – I can see the fun side of this post and appreciate the humour, but I don’t see the point – by which I mean the point of writing it (I get the message just fine).
    We are known here for our inability to agree – argument, empty room – which we like to call individualism, or even independence of mind: nothing wrong with that, except when you come up against team players.

    Much as it may go against the grain, for the next year we have to do our best to play as a team – and yes, individual talent will have a role to play.

    So is this article meant to encourage, demoralise, change the plan of action. If it’s the latter I see no suggestion as to how this might be achieved – apart from stop smiling and saying everything’s OK (I watched Polyanna twice through, but I was only twelve at the time and, in truth, it probably had more to do with to with a certain Ms Mills prequel to the 80’s wet teeshirt brigade than my belief in permanent mainlining extasy ).

    Make no mistake, I was chuffed to bits when I came across your blog and articles in Newsnet Scotland, but sites like this, Newsnet, Wings, National Collective, Bella etc are read mainly by the converted. It’s obvious that there’s a whole bundle of talent out there but all acting, dare I say it, independently.

    Somehow, in the face of overwhelming anti-coverage in the (team playing?) MMS, we have to get talented types like yourself together to do something (vague I know, but unproscriptive – i.e I don’t care what you do as long as you get it right) which will GO VIRAL. How cool am I, just because my brain is ossified doesn’t mean it’s not in the same virtual reality as unossified versions.

    So there’s my suggestion, become a virus which infects the population – but in a nice way, of course.

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