An investigation by the College of Journalism has confirmed the concerns of Nationalist leaders that the Yes Campaign has been hijacked by the Moonies.
“This explains everything,” said an SNP spokesman. “We couldn’t work out how it was going so weirdly wrong. They seem to be speaking only to themselves and saying stuff normal people can’t understand.”
The College, which trains novice journalists, sent an undercover reporter into the Yes offices in Hope Street, Glasgow posing as a young nationalist.
In his report, he writes: “One day it was tipping down with rain, the sky was darkest grey and the traffic was snarled up. I arrived late for work and while I stood there dripping water, I announced loudly that it was a rotten day and typical Scottish weather. Everyone turned to look at me at the same time and, with one voice, chanted: ‘It is a wonderful sunny day marking the birth of a new tomorrow. A brighter future awaits. Do not scaremonger.’”
He reports that in conversation, the Yes team seemed to look right through him and whenever they answered a question they smiled earnestly. “They kept talking about the Dear Leader but it wasn’t clear if that was Sun Myung Moon or Mr Salmond. If you say it quickly they sound almost the same. They told me about the Divine Resurrection which was their code word for the return of sovereignty.”
But he said the most striking aspect of the campaign was its unnatural cheerfulness. “No matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, they just smiled at each other, put their fingers in their ears and hummed the Moonie anthem. It was if they couldn’t face up to reality.”
An expert on de-programming sect members said: “The inability to focus on the real world is the result of brainwashing which replaces a normal view of life with a fantasy belief – like independence. Outwardly the victims appear mostly normal.”
Blair Jenkins, the chief executive, denied infiltration by Moonies. “It is the called the Unification Church and that’s too close to Union for us”, he said. “Everything is fine here. The polls have us up at 12 per cent in favour of independence, ahead of where we expected to be at this stage and thousands of new people are joining our community groups around the country. I’m receiving reports that new members are arriving from as far afield as South Korea and we are organising a mass wedding for them at next week’s independence rally on Calton Hill.”
Mr Jenkins suddenly snapped to attention and left saying: “It is time for my daily address to the True Family.”