Labour to stake claim in history…

Labour have reacted swiftly to suggestions they have no visibility in the spate of historical commemorations filling up the calendar…Flodden, the First World War, Bannockburn and Armed Forces Day.

Not to be outdone, they’re planning a full-scale re-enactment  of Iain Gray’s hasty retreat  from Central Station and dash into the Subway sandwich shop during the last election.

“When you consider the sacrifices made at Flodden and the heroics of Scots at Bannockburn, it’s wrong to omit the Subway Scandal from the hall of fame,” said a spokesman. “If we can re-enact Bannockburn to please the Nats, surely Iain’s unflinching retreat in the face a highly organised ambush deserves the same respect.”

 It was the seminal moment in Labour’s worst ever election defeat and the party want to turn it round on the SNP by showing they’re not afraid of their past. “The Nats ignored Flodden because they got a hiding,” said a Labour official. “But we’re prepared to face up to the truth – this was the single most abject, cowardly, humiliating, ill-conceived, toe-curling episode in modern Labour history. It was the worst since Dalintober Street. And we’re proud of it.”

Proud? “It demonstrates that we had a two-stage policy at the time. Phase One – Cut. Phase Two – Run. And we stuck to it no matter what. A lesser man would have shrank in the face of vicious intimidation by the wifeys of the Co-op lunch club and *Sean Clerkin with his duffle bag loaded with No Tory Cuts posters. But Iain remained stoically on course on behalf of the people and the party. Nelson Mandela would have done the same.”

Labour say it is also deeply symbolic that the debacle occured on Union Street and was a clear demonstration of all the Union stood for. “Beating a hasty retreat in the face of enraged natives is a long tradition of Empire and shows that we will twist and turn and duck and dive to save the Union. We will never stand up to be counted when the going gets tough and that’s the difference between us and the separatists.”

The re-enactment will feature the Iain Gray Subway Special created by the shop ladies in memory of the day. It is yellow inside and a bit runny.

*To be fair, journalists across Scotland also run in terror from Sean whose nickname is The Limpet. Once he gets your number he never lets go. You get sucked into a vortex of long harangues in which he speaks without breathing until your eyes glaze. The BBC newsroom has a panic button which sets off an imitation fire alarm. “Sorry, Sean. Building’s on fire. Must go”, is commonly heard.

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15 thoughts on “Labour to stake claim in history…

  1. Just up after nightshift, what a way to start my day – Magic.

  2. First Class.

  3. Hey, you’re on fire now!

  4. Jock Erskine Dun Eden

    I have followed Wings Over Scotland, Newsnet Scotland, Bella Caledonia and others since their inception, but never posted on any of them. Is this really Derek Bateman?? If it is, you’re very welcome indeed! Your radio programs were a breath of fresh air, simply because you allowed both sides of an argument. Nothing less, nothing more. Like everyone else I feel the extreme frustration that the debate before us is stultified by the BBC and all the other so called media organs. In decades to come, students will look back at this period and be stunned that a legitimate independent movement, in a so called democracy, was so manipulated against by the main stream media and the Establishment. And Jeezu, what a corrupted and ingrained Establishment it is. Welcome back Derek.

  5. Inspired! Can you come out of retirement in, let us say, 370 ish days time, please? Honesty and integrity are still respected in Scotland.

  6. Oh, keep this up. Laughter, the best attack.

  7. Laughing like a drain here. Let it rip, Derek.

  8. The BBC’s loss is certainly our gain, good luck with the blog Derek, if the start is anything to go by we are in for a treat.

  9. “The re-enactment will feature the Iain Gray Subway Special created by the shop ladies in memory of the day. It is yellow inside and a bit runny.”

    And its called ‘The Killing Fields Stroller’.

  10. take two
    aaaannnndd action
    great piece Mr Bateman keep em coming

  11. What creativity the BBC stultified for so many years…

  12. Double Plus Good.

  13. Funny and so biting. Love it. I remember Newsnight’s earnest discussion on the lack of high quality political satire in Scotland back in May. They’re not reading the same websites I am. Maybe you should send a link from you blog to young Gordon 🙂

  14. Oh, my aching sides! What a treat.

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