Things are looking up….

Good News! Just had a call from a guy called Ian, says he runs a company called Vettle? Britoil? Vital? Can’t be sure. He says he’ll follow up with an email. Anyway, he asks if I’m doing PR now I’m out of the Beeb. He has a problem with his image. He gets accused of making political bribes in oil-rich Third World countries run by dictators. “Do you mean Scotland?” I ask.


Ian has business interests in some very strange places. You know, hot countries where you wouldn’t go your holidays. He mentions Iraq, Syria, Libya and Congo where people eat rotting food. “The Axis of Weevil?” I suggest.

More silence.

He wants a PR strategy for someone forced to work with murderous dictators who gas their own people and torture them. He says someone’s got to sell on their natural resources or their leaders wouldn’t have helicopter gunships, poison-headed missiles, electric cattle prods and jumbo jets for their wives to go shopping. I jump on that one right away. “What you’re actually doing is helping half of the muslim world. You are venturing where few westerners go…like a missionary. It’s not just business. It’s humanitarian action. Think Nobel Prize.”

He wants to know how to get better press if he hired a war criminal to act as his agent. “Did you know he was a war criminal?” “He wasn’t convicted until later” So he couldn’t have known. “As far as you were concerned he was just a career killer and bank robber on the Interpol Most Wanted list who had his own private army.” Simple!

He’s also worried about his image for working with Saddam. But I point out that Saddam was a family man with deeply-held religious beliefs who carried a gun and was always ready to go to war with Iran…. just like an American president. I think I’m getting the hang of this PR thing.

Frankly, I say, you can forget genocidal murderers and corrupt dictators, the Scottish media couldn’t care less. Your real problem is giving money to the evil Tories. Now that’s a PR problem.

If you have any ideas for helping an honest British businessman with an awkward image, please pass them on. Would you be willing to sign a petition to have Ian nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize? There’s a £500,000 bonus in it. Contact me at


13 thoughts on “Things are looking up….

  1. Forget the Nobel peace prize – surely for £500,000 the (British) businessman could buy a knighthood, or even an earldom, from the Tory/Labour Party for that kind of dosh. Bingo – instant credibility and elevated to the upper echelons at one go. What more could he ask for?

  2. ‘Axis of weevil’ genius

  3. Tighter, Shorter, some humour, sadly most of it will be missed by a general reader…

  4. Subscribing to this page, enjoying greatly the humour here, thank you.

  5. Great reading, keep it up, Derek!

    Great to have an insider’s view on the BBC in Scotland and Scottish politics in general.

    No doubt all this will be dismissed by BT, the MSM and the Establishment as the rantings of some bitter retiree. Never mind, keep it up! [thumbs up smiley]

  6. As I suggested elsewhere, perhaps a donation of £100,000 to Tory party funds would entitle you to your head replacing ER`s on the new privatised stamps?

  7. “As far as you were concerned he was just a career killer and bank robber on the Interpol Most Wanted list who had his own private army.” Simple!

    Brilliant Derek, laugh out loud stuff, the kind of satire this whole debate needs (Susan Calman anyone?)

    Thank you!

  8. “As far as you were concerned he was just a career killer and bank robber on the Interpol Most Wanted list who had his own private army.” Simple!

    When you wrote career killer I am assuming {always dangerous} you mean that he killed other people careers I.E. Like the man who single-handedly destroyed the pensions of millions as he was too busy being the saviour of the world and the banks to understand the consequences of his actions. With his impressive intellect fair-minded open honest calm personality he was moonlighting as top notch gold salesman but his success here was as nothing when he boomed about “that bigoted woman” while he totally bust this country for generations to come.

    So Tony Bliar is now on Interpolis most wanted list – IF ONLY

  9. Things are indeed looking up! There’s no shortage of material to pull from atm.

  10. Excellent – please continue 🙂

  11. Derek – seeing as you’re now a free agent, why not drop into WoS occasionally? A warm welcome awaits ye.

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